Grandad

Apparently the doctor decided today that it would be OK to discharge Grandad tomorrow.

This is an almost-90-year-old man who is half blind, has a huge bruise and black eye over and around his good eye, has smashed his good glasses, has angina, type 2 diabetes, an ulcer on his leg caused by the diabetes, a hernia, struggles to walk more than quarter of a mile, lives on his own, keeps walking into things and falling over, has to have someone come in twice a day to make sure he takes the right pills because he keeps getting confused. And the doctor’s happy to send him home?

Yesterday he fell out of his front door and landed face down in the gravel path. He was only putting out his milk bottles. My Dad’s been working in Germany this week (as part of his redundancy package they’ve contracted him for 2 weeks a month in Germany and 1 in the UK for 3 months), flying back from Paris tomorrow morning. He then has to go to Wales with Mum for the weekend to do wedding stuff with my brother, then Sunday he’s back down to Exeter again for next week in Germany. Grandad’s a 6-hour drive away. I’m 2 hours by bus-train-bus.

I rushed up yesterday and found him, this little, white-haired man, drowing in the hospital bed waiting for a CT scan. I didn’t recognise him at first – I had a choice of 2 little, whited-haired old people and it took a moment (he wasn’t wearing any glasses). He of course, without his glasses, didn’t recognise me, and he was mortified!

I have spent the evening on the phone to Mum (in North Devon) and Dad (train between Germany and France) trying to convince Dad it’s not work £330 and all the extra travel and stress involved in him trying to get to see Grandad tomorrow. He can do his bit by phone and if he needs me to dash up there tomorrow to physically stop them discharging him I will do so. Work are very understanding and accommodating about this, which is one less stress.

I managed to speak to Grandad twice today – the second time to try and convince him that he needs to tell the doctor and social workers that he can’t manage on his own. Hopefully Dad will be able to get the warden from Grandad’s sheltered residence to speak to the doctors and tell them he can’t go home until a proper care package is sorted out. To discharge him without that safety net would be irresponsible. Grandad’s of the generation where they don’t want to be a bother or cause any trouble. He just wants to go home, but doesn’t realise if he does so without proper help he will be more of a bother and a burden! I think he takes it a bit better from me, but only just.

My blissfully free weekend I was looking forward to has come crashing down around my ears. I’m supposed to be going away with friends the weekend after which will be relaxing, but I may have to crash out instead. I think I’ll be sick of train travel by then!

Still, at least I’m getting the experience 20-30 years ahead of when I’ll have to deal with my parents!

Long time…

Goodness, I didn’t realise quite how long it had been since I last posted. What has happened in the last 2+ months:

• Street Pastors: been out on my first patrol. Had to deal with the aftermath of a fight; a taxi driver was beaten up by a group of lads and I got to use my first aid skills. Still in training – only 5 more sessions to go.
• St John Ambulance: had my induction, been on First Aid at Work training (through work – I get and extra £5 a month for being a First Aider!). This weekend doing all my registration paperwork, so hopefully will have an ID card and uniform soon, so I can go out on duties.
• Had a birthday. Had a party. Good food, good company, good wine (got a wee bit drunk!)
• Exceed expectations in my annual appraisal, so get a slightly higher payrise than simply being successful.
• Have started going back to church more regularly, feeling less angst about it, but less guilty about not going. Stepping down from the PCC has its benefits, I see!
• Meeting nice, single Christian guys! Ironically NOT at the Christian singles party I went to last month. Still single, but relatively OK with it.
• Still on the therapy waiting list. Have been offered group CBT: am going for an assessment next week. We’ll see if it feels right.
• Discovered Battlestar Galactica, the 21st century series. Loving it!
• Been to the theatre. Lots!

Those are the highlights. Shall try to be a bit more on the ball here.

Wrestle

This guy I work with, Biscuit, has driven me somewhat crazy today. He’s a nice guy, friendly, intelligent, funny, a little bit shy. Very opinionated, but not in an offensive way. He made sure I knew about the lunchtime curry trip when noone else had told me. And leant me the money so I could eat as there wasn’t a cashpoint on the way.

Just before leaving work he was talking with one of our colleagues (totally offensive and opinionated!) about his weekend and how trains were down over the weekend due to “some march” happening in central London.

The march is about asking G20 leaders to put people first in their decisions () If I wasn’t on training I might have thought about going. Anyway, this discussion about no trains got Biscuit and Mr Offensive onto a discussion about people who march. And weren’t particularly complimentary.

The trouble with Biscuit is that he often comes out with things that are completely polar opposite with what I believe – and I can’t tell if he’s serious or not.

I was upset by this conversation for 2 reasons:

1. He was effectively calling me what he was calling those who are marching tomorrow (I forget his wording as I was trying to suppress a certain amount of irritation). Ironically, just as he was slating this I got a text message from a friend asking me if I wanted to join her tomorrow.
2. I like him, and it’s a rather painful internal tussle. Mr Offensive I would never have this problem with because he’s so openly offensive and antagonistic I’d never like him in that way. But Biscuit is just rather lovely, and I can’t reconcile this with the side of him that seems to be polar opposite, and my feeling for him.

Strangely I was dreaming last night about the last guy I went out with and also worked with – I ended it beacause of fundamental differences, but we still got on as friends after. Was this a sign? Or just an inner working out of things in my head whilst sleeping?

I’m struggling with this as I really don’t want to like Biscuit in that way as I can only see pain ahead for me. The problem is, I keep thinking I need to burn these feelings out. Which could be all holy thoughts: let the Holy Spirit burn them out. But it’s most likely to involve me and a lighter or kettle. So far managing to keep a lid on that urge.

Babies, weddings and engagements

It seems to be a year of babies, weddings and engagements.

Must… Stay… Positive…

Lent

Aphra posted about Lent yesterday, with a link to this prayer guide (it’s a pdf). I thought it interesting and it has got me thinking.

I had already planned to look at the issues of grace, guilt, forgiveness and repentance (just a few little things!), to try and see how we as Christians can let go of unnecessaryguilt. So many of us are wracked with guilt that I think the Humanist Society has half a point with their athiest bus campaign.

Some Christians worry so much no wonder those who don’t believe can’t see what the benefit of Jesus in their life would be. After all, when most Christians they know have more hangups than then, why are they going to believe that Jesus makes life so much better?

I also thought about giving something up, but in a time of recession, I’m already cutting back. So I’ve decided to give up something that isn’t material or financial (though I might fast on luncthime a week to focus on the study, and give the money somewhere): I’m going to give up talking so much and take up listening; give up focussing on me so much (don’t laugh!) and take up focussing on others.

Maybe there’s a loving God

Ok, here’s how this works:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

* IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
God Help Me

* WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Passover

* WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Sky that falls

* WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Last to die

* WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Corona Radiata

* WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Move to Memphis

* WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Joy of my desire

* WHAT IS 2+2?
Bleeding all over you

* WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Tears and rain

* WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU FANCY?
Full of his glory

* WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Grace

* WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
True entertainer

* WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU FANCY?
Oh my God

* WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
First song that I sing

* WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Always on my mind

* WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
One way

* WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The only one

* WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Small beginnings

* WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Be patient please

* WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
That’s me trying

* HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Butterfly

* WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Scream

* WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Knockin’ on heaven’s door

* WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
The door

* WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Blue suede shoes

* WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
This is your life

* DOES ANYONE FANCY YOU?
As I am

* IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
What wondrous love

* WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Praise

* WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Maybe there’s a loving God

Struggle

The word ’struggle’ has been on my mind at lot these last few days. The phrase “why do you struggle so much?” has been stuck in my brain since Sunday (I think).

Whose words? Mine, in despair? God’s, with grace and love and kindness?

Getting out of bed’s a struggle at the moment. Actually, that’s not strictly true. My autopilot is still functioning well enough on weekdays to get me up and into work, but once I’m there it’s a struggle. It’s a struggle to sit still and concentrate and do anything. I appreciate I’ve been data inputting since Tuesday, complicated information from paperwork into a spreadsheet, which has required some searching for information to go into it. That’s enough to make your eyes go funny, and I’ve had a malingering headache since Sunday.

It’s a struggle to believe at the moment. Or rather, it’s a struggle to believe the things a Christian ought to believe. I have no problem believing in God. Standing outside my parents’ house New Years Eve looking at what appeared to be all the stars in the sky, I can’t not believe. But beyond that I am struggling. I want to ask Biscuit to Alpha (and that’s a struggle in itself, with all the hopes and fears caught up in that), but I’m wondering if perhaps I need to do it again. I’m hoping he’ll say yes for many reasons, but one of them being that I could have an excuse to do it again. And someone to go with. Bearing in mind I am an Alpha cynic, this is a big thing for me to be considering. Things must be bad! (But asking Biscuit is nothing to do with my faith, or lack of.)

Anyway, I shall struggle on. The road can’t be straight forever. There must be one of these proverbial corners I can turn ahead of be. Hopefully!

Wound up

I’m getting really wound up about this wedding thing, the one my brother’s having. More specifically I’m getting wound up about how to have the “I don’t want to be a bridesmaid” conversation.

Why don’t I want to?

• I don’t want to have to ponce around in a ridiculous dress with her and her sisters, attending to her every need all day. She irritates the hell out of me a lot of the time, and it’s not good if the bridesmaid punches out the bride!
• I’m 31 – that’s too old to be a bridesmaid. I’ve done it once and said never again.
• I’m pissed because he’s getting married and I’m still single, and there’s no way I’ll be able to hold it together on the day if that’s still the case. Especially as I’m not convinced they should  be getting married.
• Bridesmaids are overrated anyway. It’s just a tradition, a ‘must have’, and I don’t want to be part of a ‘must have’.
• She’ll probably expect me to grow my hair long, stop biting my nails and wear heels. I don’t like being told what to wear.

Am I just being petty? Am I just going to have to grin and bear it? Any advice on how to get out of this – not that they’ve asked yet – as I’m seriously considering the severe facial disfigurement route.

Babies

I have a nasty feeling I’m turning broody. My 2 friends from Uni both have kids now: one of them’s due number 2 in Feb, and the other had her 1st in September, and she was always sure she wouldn’t.

And now I’m wondering if it’s so bad. And that’s scary! I don’t want to turn into one of the biological-clock-obsessed mad women, oozing “MUST. HAVE. BABY!” and scaring off not just men but her sane friends too.

Of course, I’m aware babies become children become teenagers become adults choose your nursing home. A baby is for life.

Hmmm… can anyone help me?!!

New Year dream

I have weddings on my mind, since my brother got engaged. More so than usual.

Last night I dreamt (or is it dreamed?) I married Biscuit. Interesting! A rather casual affair – we just did. I think this comes out of conversations about how over-the-top my brother’s wedding is likely to be, and how I would prefer to have something simple. In the dream we just married then got on with things again, after all, it’s the marriage not the wedding that’s the most important part.

I’m pondering online dating again! I’m not meeting guys. At all! I need to meet them somewhere – God’s not just going to drop one out of the sky for me, now is He?

Anyway, shall let you know what I decide, and any progress. On anything, really.

Happy New Year to you all!