Just one step at a time

Decency. Modesty. Good and proper. So much is talked about what we wear and why we wear it. But so much is focused on us women. In the sense of what we wear. And what it does to men.

Particularly in Christian circles.

Why do we get so het up about what everyone’s wearing, what everyone’s doing, who we’re spending time with? I’ve picked up on another series of posts about women and modesty. They make my blood boil!

I like to wear skirts and tops and make the most of my figure. Whilst I’ve still got it.

But what makes my blood boil the most is that these men - and it’s predominantly men - write about how women must watch what they wear so as not to distract the men, yet fail to see that women can suffer in the same way.

Take today, for example. There’s a guy at work who normally dresses very ’sharp’ Suited, booted, clean-shaven. In fact, it’s part of his image, and he’s very conscious of his work image and how he projects himself. A little too concerned, I feel, but that’s a whole different story about what we value in life and work. But I digress…

Today his boss wasn’t in, he didn’t sleep so well and couldn’t find an ironed shirt. So he turned up in jeans, a T-shirt that was tight around his biceps (he’s VERY sporty) and a bit of stubble.

“Be still my beating heart!” “Calm down, dear!” The beast needed some taming. Oh boy, did it!

The thing is, as much as I like him and think he’s a nice guy, we chat about Doctor Who (the only fellow-fan at work, that I’ve found), he would drive me mad. And yet… today, give me a pint, and I would merrily have thrown all that aside and, well, maybe given it a try! (And ultimately humiliated myself.) Because it’s not just the guys who struggle daily with lust.

Let me leave you with a few gems from these blogs (which are part of a book). But before that, let me say, I get his point about what motivates dressing ‘immodestly’, be it to seek attention (guilty!) or to provoke the interest (aka lust) of a guy (also guilty!). But to focus solely on the women - and I believe church leaders do so because it’s only women who are mentioned in the Bible: but that was then, this is now, and a lot of what was written has context. Context that can be expanded upon.

So the final gems:

“Please know that I don’t write as a self-appointed critic. I am simply a concerned pastor who charitably assumes that most Christian women who dress immodestly are ignorant of the war with lust that men confront on a daily basis. They probably don’t have a clue what goes on in a man’s mind and what effect their bodies have on the eyes and hearts of men young and old. “

” I commend this young man’s tenacious fight for holiness. And I echo his gratitude to all women who choose to dress modestly—thank you a million times over. You’re truly serving your brothers in Christ by your obedience to God’s Word.”

“Godly men find modesty attractive. They appreciate women who dress with self-control and restraint. They’re grateful for women who serve them by helping them fight the temptation to lust.”

” ‘I had a vague idea that guys were more affected by sight than girls were. But I never realized how pervasive the temptation was. . . . Now, knowing a little bit of what guys go through every day, I have an ardent desire to serve my brothers in Christ. I want to make the church a haven for them.’ “

Oh come on, people, lighten up! Or not. Because it’s not just the guys who struggle, but who’s talking to us women about how to handle our lustful thoughts, or asking guys to be careful not to tempt us. Guys turning up to church in shorts often seems to be acceptable, but a healthy, athletic, tanned guy in a pair of shorts… What’s the difference?

God, it makes me so mad!

UPDATE

I found this at The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus.

For those of you who have been following me through my many incarnations of blog, you’ll know about Good Chef (as opposed to Bad Chef who used to work with him but has since left). For those who haven’t: I had a (very) brief fling with a (married) colleague of mine about 6 months ago. It was lust at first sight, with chocolate cookies involved in the seduction - from his side. I’ve been struggling on-and-off with seeing him every day. I’ve gone through phases of ignoring him, flirting too much, avoiding the pub when I know he’s going to be there. Sometimes I’ve walked the very fine line: and nearly fallen off.

Last Friday I had to remove a hand again, and avoid a kiss. A new colleague of his asked me, after GC had left the pub, if I liked GC. I replied that it was mutual, but him being married was a bit of a problem. I then spent the whole weekend realising that I’m not even sure if I like the cheating b****rd, and was glad that I had (accidentally, but he’d had it coming a while) slapped him earlier in the evening. And I realised I’d spent hours in the pub with him and the others from the hospitality team not really talking about much, when other colleagues were a few yards away having fun. And I realised I wasn’t having fun anymore.

Walking that fine line is no longer fun (if it ever was at all). I have nothing in common with GC other than a building we work in and a bit of chemistry. So Monday I didn’t really talk to him. And all week he’s been grumpy and blanking me. I don’t know if it’s because I was doing a little avoiding from the beginning of the week, or if his new colleague said something to him. It’s a little awkward (get your chainsaw out to cut the atmosphere), but I don’t have the energy to find out which of the 2 (or if there’s a 3rd) option it is. Because that might just set the whole thing off again.

It’s been 6 months. He has a wife. He’s even (a rumour I heard, so I don’t know if it is true, but part of me believes it) tried it on with others we work with. Why put myself through the pain and angst being around him causes me? Besides, when I’m with him and his direct colleagues I feel as though I’m in another world and feel a bit like (I can’t say for sure) a diver when they re-surface for air.

Besides which, there’s somebody else who’s caught my eye and my interest.

Update

Just doing stuff on Facebook (yes, Friday night - I have no social life tonight!) and, on a whim, had a look at his site. Somewhere in there was a pic of his wife with the most enormous bunch of flowers I’ve ever seen! Checking out a wall-to-wall conversation she was having with a friend (I’m nosey, but sometimes it pays to be so), I found it: the flowers were for their second anniversary (so, less than 2 years and he’s playing away); that they’re buying a house in Basildon; and that (this is the kicker!) that spring/summer last year his wife had been in and out of hospital with early stage cervical cancer!

Words now actually fail me and I’m feeling a little sick to my stomach right now.

I’ve been reading and watching a range of books, blogs and films from other parts of the world, and it’s been getting me thinking about this whole women covering up ‘thing’.

I just don’t get it? When was it decided that men are so weak and feeble that they can’t control their urges, and that it’s the woman’s fault? Why is it that women are responsible for men’s actions? Surely if you follow that thinking, that makes women far more powerful than men. And yet, women aren’t allowed to do certain things (in these societies that believe women cause men to sin). I just don’t get it.

An Iranian PhD student in Canada sexually assaulted a woman in an elevator. And blamed her: “You can’t expect all males to control themselves when the breasts are out” was his defense. Um, hello! Yes we can! In fact, we demand it! I’d like to think this says more about him than his culture, but I’m not 100% sure it’s the case. Culture has a lot to do with who we are, so there must be some influence.

A slightly more (I hope) tongue-in-cheek look at the subject, from an American perspective. I agree, to a point: we should ALL dress appropriately, men as well as women. There comes a point when we need to realise that letting it all hang out probably isn’t best for anyone (and I’ve done my years of letting it all hang out). But, just because someone chooses to do that, it’s no excuse to behave badly and take advantage (and I don’t think a man having an erection at the sight of a woman’s backside is sexual harrasment - that’s just biology. Touching - now that IS harassment!)

Though, I can see the advantages of the burqa: at least you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear each morning!

Can I recommend At Five in the Afternoon, a very moving film about a young woman living in Kabul after the fall of the Taliban. If it doesn’t make you feel blessed to be living in a ‘Western’ country, then I don’t know what will.

I don’t believe we should compromise in order to keep relationships. OK, let me clarify that: I don’t think we should compromise OURSELVES in order to keep relationships.

Yes, I know. Pot, kettle and black spring to mind. But I’m determined to not be that woman any more.

What I mean is compromises along the lines of:

• Sleep with someone in order to keep them.
• Move in with them because they’re not prepared to marry, in order to keep them.
• Go for a non-Christian (or whatever faith you hold) because despite wanting a strong, faith-led husband, there aren’t any around you’d consider, but would rather be married.
• Give up on their other activities or faith in order to appease a partner who doesn’t want them to be that way, in order to keep them.

I feel sad when I see friends drop, one by one, away from their faith because of a guy. Because it’s usually us women who compromise in order to keep a man. Because we have less time, if we want children; have less choice in churches; and want to please more than perhaps a man does.

I don’t want to compromise any more. I pray I will have the strength never to do so again.

‘UNTIL THE TIME CAME TO FULFILL HIS WORD, THE LORD TESTED JOSEPH’S CHARACTER.’
PSALM 105:19
It’s difficult to see God blessing others while you are forced to wait. But this is not injustice: it’s divine order! Look at Joseph. His faith was being tested by the very promises God gave him. Can’t you hear satan whisper: ‘I thought your dream said you were supposed to be sitting on a throne. What are you doing here in prison?’ But satan miscalculated. This only looks like a prison but in reality it’s the birthplace of promise and the day of small beginnings. God has not changed His mind, so don’t change yours! When He’s going to build something great He takes extra time to lay the foundation. ‘Jesus grew…in favour with God and men’ (Luke 2:52 NIV). Allow yourself time to grow! When you walk with God your opportunities for advancement are regulated by His plan, not someone else’s actions and preparation always precedes promotion. God told the prophet Elijah to go and hide himself by the brook Cherith (1 Kings 17:3). Before he could call down fire from heaven and defeat the prophets of Baal, Elijah had to spend time hidden away with God. There are some insights you only gain by spending quality time with God. God may not come when you want Him to but He’ll always be on time if you wait on Him. ‘No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly’ (Psalm 84:11 NKJV). His delays are not His denials. He’s never said anything He couldn’t back up or promised anything He wouldn’t deliver. So disregard the circumstances and stand on the Word God has given you!

The Word for Today, 6 Jan 2008

If we don’t have to wait, we’ll never learn patience.
If we don’t have to struggle, we’ll never value that which we achieve.
If we don’t have trust, we’ll never have faith.
If life’s too easy, we’ll never develop character.
If we’re never tempted, we’ll never learn how to resist.

It’s an interesting one this. We justify our actions by saying we’d rather regret what we’ve done than what we didn’t do. But really? Would we rather regret the affair than not having tried and rediscovered love again? Would we rather regret not have that one last drink than having it and the consequences that come with it? I’m not saying do take risks, just don’t take stupid ones. That’s something I’ve learned.

But my point on this is that a guy I briefly ’saw’ in November, who dropped off the radar and stopped contacting me because he’s moving back to Turkey this year and didn’t want to get involved with someone, reappeared over the Christmas break. He texted me Happy Christmas, which I (eventually) replied to (having deleted his number in a strop because he’d not been in touch). Then he sent me a text in the early hours of New Year’s Day: “I wish I was with you now.”

And there lies the temptation. Firstly the temptation towards pride and smugness - I knew he’d regret his decision and miss me! A certain smugness (along with the pain of my bruised and bumped head) reared at that. But the major temptation is to leave him be. It wouldn’t go anywhere (OK, maybe I’m being too dismissive, so I’m leaving this over to God) and he’s moving back to Turkey in a few months. But I could pick it up, carry on where we left off, a bit of a fling, some attention, the ‘pleasure’ of kissing a guy I find attractive and who (miracle upon miracles!) seems to like me too. But what would be the point? Short-term gain over long-term? It would just be because I’m lonely (which is how I’ve got into many of my man messes over the years and something I need to work on one step at a time).

So I’ve not replied. Is that cruel? Yes and no. If I keep up the contact, try to have a friendship it’s just going to get complicated - too many pheromones involved to just be friends now. And I don’t want to lead him on. Or put myself in the place of temptation.

So already one step.

And a door.

I’m thinking about changing my job. I’ve been there 3 years now. I think I’ve learned pretty much all I can in that role. I’m rarely stretching myself, unless you count fighting with the printer and Microsoft templates on a daily basis ’stretch’! There’s no upward progression for me.

But a sideways move has appeared - a 6-month secondment in another department. It would stretch me (and that scares me). But it’s a door. So I’ll apply. I’ll push on it and see what happens. And if it stays shut I’ll push on the doors for 2 other positions coming up internally. And while I’m doing that I’ll really push on some doors - I’m going to update my CV and sent out prospecting letters, not just to recruitment agencies but to various charities and NGOs I’m interested in and see what they have.

So early in the year and steps being taken! Hold on tight - this is going to be a bit of a ride!