Just one step at a time

I don’t believe we should compromise in order to keep relationships. OK, let me clarify that: I don’t think we should compromise OURSELVES in order to keep relationships.

Yes, I know. Pot, kettle and black spring to mind. But I’m determined to not be that woman any more.

What I mean is compromises along the lines of:

• Sleep with someone in order to keep them.
• Move in with them because they’re not prepared to marry, in order to keep them.
• Go for a non-Christian (or whatever faith you hold) because despite wanting a strong, faith-led husband, there aren’t any around you’d consider, but would rather be married.
• Give up on their other activities or faith in order to appease a partner who doesn’t want them to be that way, in order to keep them.

I feel sad when I see friends drop, one by one, away from their faith because of a guy. Because it’s usually us women who compromise in order to keep a man. Because we have less time, if we want children; have less choice in churches; and want to please more than perhaps a man does.

I don’t want to compromise any more. I pray I will have the strength never to do so again.

If we don’t have to wait, we’ll never learn patience.
If we don’t have to struggle, we’ll never value that which we achieve.
If we don’t have trust, we’ll never have faith.
If life’s too easy, we’ll never develop character.
If we’re never tempted, we’ll never learn how to resist.

It’s an interesting one this. We justify our actions by saying we’d rather regret what we’ve done than what we didn’t do. But really? Would we rather regret the affair than not having tried and rediscovered love again? Would we rather regret not have that one last drink than having it and the consequences that come with it? I’m not saying do take risks, just don’t take stupid ones. That’s something I’ve learned.

But my point on this is that a guy I briefly ’saw’ in November, who dropped off the radar and stopped contacting me because he’s moving back to Turkey this year and didn’t want to get involved with someone, reappeared over the Christmas break. He texted me Happy Christmas, which I (eventually) replied to (having deleted his number in a strop because he’d not been in touch). Then he sent me a text in the early hours of New Year’s Day: “I wish I was with you now.”

And there lies the temptation. Firstly the temptation towards pride and smugness - I knew he’d regret his decision and miss me! A certain smugness (along with the pain of my bruised and bumped head) reared at that. But the major temptation is to leave him be. It wouldn’t go anywhere (OK, maybe I’m being too dismissive, so I’m leaving this over to God) and he’s moving back to Turkey in a few months. But I could pick it up, carry on where we left off, a bit of a fling, some attention, the ‘pleasure’ of kissing a guy I find attractive and who (miracle upon miracles!) seems to like me too. But what would be the point? Short-term gain over long-term? It would just be because I’m lonely (which is how I’ve got into many of my man messes over the years and something I need to work on one step at a time).

So I’ve not replied. Is that cruel? Yes and no. If I keep up the contact, try to have a friendship it’s just going to get complicated - too many pheromones involved to just be friends now. And I don’t want to lead him on. Or put myself in the place of temptation.

So already one step.

And a door.

I’m thinking about changing my job. I’ve been there 3 years now. I think I’ve learned pretty much all I can in that role. I’m rarely stretching myself, unless you count fighting with the printer and Microsoft templates on a daily basis ’stretch’! There’s no upward progression for me.

But a sideways move has appeared - a 6-month secondment in another department. It would stretch me (and that scares me). But it’s a door. So I’ll apply. I’ll push on it and see what happens. And if it stays shut I’ll push on the doors for 2 other positions coming up internally. And while I’m doing that I’ll really push on some doors - I’m going to update my CV and sent out prospecting letters, not just to recruitment agencies but to various charities and NGOs I’m interested in and see what they have.

So early in the year and steps being taken! Hold on tight - this is going to be a bit of a ride!

Why did I add this video? There’s something in the guy’s position there that is poignant for me at the moment. I’m still struggling with feelings for a male friend who I’ve liked for some time. We’re friends proper now. But in some way that makes it harder. I can’t see him changing his mind, his heart any time soon. I could be wrong, but I need to protect myself.

Thing is, I can’t say I love him. I’m too scared to voice that. Too unsure - maybe I don’t. But it’s more than just a crush: I like him, respect him, admire him. Yet I just can’t say it.

“People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.”
Dr. Foreman (House)

I’ve been thinking about love a lot recently. What’s new, eh? Guys are always on my mind. But it struck me about a week ago that I’m scared of love. And the commitment it requires - I’m not sure I have it in me. Sure, I get carried away in my mind when I meet a guy I like (even if he doesn’t reciprocate), and even manage to convince myself I’m in ‘love’ with them, but in actuality… If I look at the guys I’ve actually been out with (let’s say more than one date means ‘been out with’), then 95% of them have been either unsuitable or incapable of sustaining a relationship. With me, anyway.

I’m haunted by the word ‘husband’. It defines and rules my life at the moment. And I no longer want it to. I want to be in the position to say I am happy being who I am, and at the moment who I am is a single person. I want to be able to say - and mean it - that I would love to be in a relationship with a guy, but if that’s not to be, then so be it, my life will still be fulfilling.

I don’t want to be that woman who is sure that God said a particular guy was ‘the one’, who ‘knows’ for sure and ignores all other opportunities that come up, even when ‘the one’ is dating another, gets engaged and married. I don’t want to pin my life and hopes on one guy and be wrong.

Yet I no longer want to be as fickle as I am now, jumping for any opportunity, worried that if I don’t take it I’ll miss the boat.

Love - just the word brings up a whole load of contradictory feelings and fears. Fear of spending my life alone - and being lonely with it, because you can be alone but not lonely. Fear of making a mistake and ending up with the wrong guy. Fear of losing my life, my ‘me’ becoming consumed into ‘us’, no longer being ‘me’, but being ’so & so’s wife’ or ’someone’s mum’. Fear or being a bad wife or marrying a bad husband. Fear of being a bad mum or hating my kids. Fear of being not good enough - being the good time girl, but not the one to take home to meet the family. Fear of being the eternal ‘friend’. Fear of how I’ll cope if I’m on my own. And fear of how I’ll cope if I’m not.

But…

Perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

The first step… believe these, and believe that

God is love.