Just one step at a time

So my chef. Well, not MY chef, but you know who I mean. All dressed up when he left work today, but I noticed a little extra weight around the middle - too much booze. And I’m hardly one to talk, with my extra few inches. And I’m certainly not criticising him for it. Or anyone else.

What struck me was my reaction to it. Which was a mild - oh, well that’s not good. I guess it made me realise how I’d seen him. He is basically testosterone on legs and I’d viewed him as a bit of totty, something good to look at (because I can’t touch).

And now he’s expanding a little I realised I wasn’t so interested in looking. Well, not in what he was wearing today.

I’m certainly not criticising a few extra pounds. My favourite boy from church has his fair share of extra pounds (and a good pair of legs I discovered this week - hot weather, shorts bring enlightenment!), but his body is not (solely) what I’m attracted to about him. It’s about him, who he is, how we get on. The chef - it’s been about his body (and his smile).

Funny that. Despite being a very visual-orientated woman (which is why I get my knickers in a twist with all the modesty stuff, because it implies only men struggle - some of the six packs I’ve seen in the park on a sunny lunch hour this week!), if I’m honest, I’m more attracted to the one who fits society’s attractiveness measures less.

Decency. Modesty. Good and proper. So much is talked about what we wear and why we wear it. But so much is focused on us women. In the sense of what we wear. And what it does to men.

Particularly in Christian circles.

Why do we get so het up about what everyone’s wearing, what everyone’s doing, who we’re spending time with? I’ve picked up on another series of posts about women and modesty. They make my blood boil!

I like to wear skirts and tops and make the most of my figure. Whilst I’ve still got it.

But what makes my blood boil the most is that these men - and it’s predominantly men - write about how women must watch what they wear so as not to distract the men, yet fail to see that women can suffer in the same way.

Take today, for example. There’s a guy at work who normally dresses very ’sharp’ Suited, booted, clean-shaven. In fact, it’s part of his image, and he’s very conscious of his work image and how he projects himself. A little too concerned, I feel, but that’s a whole different story about what we value in life and work. But I digress…

Today his boss wasn’t in, he didn’t sleep so well and couldn’t find an ironed shirt. So he turned up in jeans, a T-shirt that was tight around his biceps (he’s VERY sporty) and a bit of stubble.

“Be still my beating heart!” “Calm down, dear!” The beast needed some taming. Oh boy, did it!

The thing is, as much as I like him and think he’s a nice guy, we chat about Doctor Who (the only fellow-fan at work, that I’ve found), he would drive me mad. And yet… today, give me a pint, and I would merrily have thrown all that aside and, well, maybe given it a try! (And ultimately humiliated myself.) Because it’s not just the guys who struggle daily with lust.

Let me leave you with a few gems from these blogs (which are part of a book). But before that, let me say, I get his point about what motivates dressing ‘immodestly’, be it to seek attention (guilty!) or to provoke the interest (aka lust) of a guy (also guilty!). But to focus solely on the women - and I believe church leaders do so because it’s only women who are mentioned in the Bible: but that was then, this is now, and a lot of what was written has context. Context that can be expanded upon.

So the final gems:

“Please know that I don’t write as a self-appointed critic. I am simply a concerned pastor who charitably assumes that most Christian women who dress immodestly are ignorant of the war with lust that men confront on a daily basis. They probably don’t have a clue what goes on in a man’s mind and what effect their bodies have on the eyes and hearts of men young and old. “

” I commend this young man’s tenacious fight for holiness. And I echo his gratitude to all women who choose to dress modestly—thank you a million times over. You’re truly serving your brothers in Christ by your obedience to God’s Word.”

“Godly men find modesty attractive. They appreciate women who dress with self-control and restraint. They’re grateful for women who serve them by helping them fight the temptation to lust.”

” ‘I had a vague idea that guys were more affected by sight than girls were. But I never realized how pervasive the temptation was. . . . Now, knowing a little bit of what guys go through every day, I have an ardent desire to serve my brothers in Christ. I want to make the church a haven for them.’ “

Oh come on, people, lighten up! Or not. Because it’s not just the guys who struggle, but who’s talking to us women about how to handle our lustful thoughts, or asking guys to be careful not to tempt us. Guys turning up to church in shorts often seems to be acceptable, but a healthy, athletic, tanned guy in a pair of shorts… What’s the difference?

God, it makes me so mad!

UPDATE

I found this at The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus.

What do I want in a man? I’ve been thinking about this over the last few days. Do I really know?

Thinking about Church Boy (CB). What is it about him that I like? Now I’ve got past the obsession, what about him attracts me. Or is it just because we’re comfortable friends and can pretty much talk about anything?

But I (slightly squiffily) told him a few weeks ago that he’d spoiled all other guys for me. So I need to try to narrow it down. Just to get it a bit clearer in my head. What is it?

He’s strong in his faith So many of my friends have compromised, are with guys who either don’t believer or nominally believe, and I’ve seen how it changes their beliefs, changes their priorities, keeps them away from church, from fellowship, from community.

He’s musical Shallow, I know, but he plays a mean guitar, drums like a dream and has a voice I could melt away to! But… I love music, so that’s a good thing. Though he works in music, which means irregular working.

He’s intelligent I don’t mean he’s an intellectual boffin, but he likes to learn and likes to talk about it.

He’s honest Tells it like it is. Doesn’t play games.

He’s a good listener He likes to talk, but he’ll also listen.

He’s encouraging If I can ever pin him down for that long-promised guitar lesson!

It’s not all about him He knows life is bigger than just him, and when he’s committed to something/someone, gives his all. He’s given a lot to the church over the last year, and it’s cost him. Big time.

He’s funny I don’t always get his humour, and I sometimes think he can be childish (what man can’t?), but he’s funny. And can see the black humour in things, which sometimes is needed.

I can’t think of anything else concrete. I think a lot of it is because we know each other so well, we’ve been through a lot (church-wise) together and have seen the best - and worst - of one another.

It’s just a real shame he doesn’t like me in that way. Ah well. There must be something better to come. Whatever shape or form - or not - that comes in.

Open book

I’m an open book,
with a technicolour cover
that tells it all.
No mystery,
no intrigue,
nothing to catch a reader’s eye,
nothing to make them want
to find out more
about the story inside.
[Sleeping Daisy]

I think I share too much. More than I should. It’s not just about me - when I talk about how I feel, I’m talking about someone else too. There’s another involved. And it’s all very well sharing with the anonymity of blogging. But offline…

“If one partner doesn’t know whether they can trust the other, they will not share certain things. And these may be the kinds of things that if there were trust, would bring them together.

Is this between you and me,

or you, me, and your friends?

Because that is going to change how much I tell you,

how much I let you in,

how much I trust you with,

how much I give to you.

How naked I get with you.

Is this argument between you and me,

or between you and me and whoever you are going to tell about it?

Is this quirky habit of mine something I let you see because I know you love me no matter what, or is this something you will entertain our friends with at a party?

How safe are you?”

Sex God, Rob Bell

I’m not sure I’m very safe.

I need to work on that, as it won’t do me any favours in the long run. And has the potential to cost me dearly.

But as a processor, how do I work through my problems without sharing?

I’m a commitment phobe.

Cartoon courtesy of cartoonstock.

I’m struck again, today, about the whole comfort of not having to be vulnerable with someone. Marine Boy (MB) is back with us again. He’s a friend of one of my housemates, and lived with us for a couple of months last year, and turns up whenever they chuck him out of barracks. And I can be myself around him. And that comfort of the fact that we get on despite the fact I’m a total nut job makes him more attractive.

Where as with the guy from work (CC), it’s still, to an extent, painfully awkward for me.

But also with CC, there’s that wondering about, wanting there to be something more, whereas with MB, we’re friends and just hang out in front of the DVD player, steal each others food and I still his T-shirts! (OK, so I walked into his room to watch his training video he’s sending his Mum, took one look at his Marines T-shirt and went “I want your T-shirt”, so he took it off there and then and gave it to me! Well, the ladies do love a man in uniform!)

Darn it, why’s it all so complicated?

I like walking. I’d love to run, but can’t. I have (undiagnosed) problems with both knees and ankles. I say undiagnosed, because they couldn’t work out what was wrong with my knees and I can’t be bothered to back and find out. So now I walk.

Lunchtimes I walk around parts of Regents Park - beautiful and just a 2 minute walk away from the office. Tuesday to Thursday I’ve organised a walking group. It has varying popularity - yesterday 2 of us, today 4.

Today the nice guy from work came! It was us and 2 girls from my team. Who, I hadn’t realised, linked arms with each other as they set off. I didn’t realise this until he made a joking grab for my arm, so we didn’t feel left out! I was a little surprised. And too slow off the mark to take advantage of that!

Still, we have a number of email conversations during the day - they do turn rather bizarre at times!  It’s fun! I do enjoy flirting.

Which, apparently, is as natural to me as breathing. I was accused by 2 girl friends Saturday night of flirting with the waiting staff in the restuarant we visited.

Who also told me to just as work guy out! For a drink. And see what happens.

Now THAT’S scary!

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must go there to find it.”

I read this quote today. And it makes me think, it’s hard enough to find a man, let alone find one who’s going to go to that much trouble.

But today I’m cold, tired and cynical, so I’ll just ignore my thinking until I’ve had some sleep.

I’ve been reading and watching a range of books, blogs and films from other parts of the world, and it’s been getting me thinking about this whole women covering up ‘thing’.

I just don’t get it? When was it decided that men are so weak and feeble that they can’t control their urges, and that it’s the woman’s fault? Why is it that women are responsible for men’s actions? Surely if you follow that thinking, that makes women far more powerful than men. And yet, women aren’t allowed to do certain things (in these societies that believe women cause men to sin). I just don’t get it.

An Iranian PhD student in Canada sexually assaulted a woman in an elevator. And blamed her: “You can’t expect all males to control themselves when the breasts are out” was his defense. Um, hello! Yes we can! In fact, we demand it! I’d like to think this says more about him than his culture, but I’m not 100% sure it’s the case. Culture has a lot to do with who we are, so there must be some influence.

A slightly more (I hope) tongue-in-cheek look at the subject, from an American perspective. I agree, to a point: we should ALL dress appropriately, men as well as women. There comes a point when we need to realise that letting it all hang out probably isn’t best for anyone (and I’ve done my years of letting it all hang out). But, just because someone chooses to do that, it’s no excuse to behave badly and take advantage (and I don’t think a man having an erection at the sight of a woman’s backside is sexual harrasment - that’s just biology. Touching - now that IS harassment!)

Though, I can see the advantages of the burqa: at least you wouldn’t have to worry about what to wear each morning!

Can I recommend At Five in the Afternoon, a very moving film about a young woman living in Kabul after the fall of the Taliban. If it doesn’t make you feel blessed to be living in a ‘Western’ country, then I don’t know what will.