“Guys are like buses”

You wait forever for one, then 3 come along at once!

Well, not exactly. The SJA guy, went missing on me for a few weeks. Well that solved the dilemma of what to do about him, as it didn’t feel quite right. I didn’t have to do or say anything – he just didn’t get in contact for 2 weeks!

I then met a guy at Greenbelt. I went speed-dating, but met him in the queue before and then in the queue in the beer tent after (it was a traumatic experience, the speed-dating!) We hung out for most of the weekend and have been in touch since. It’s not easy to keep in touch seeing as he runs a pub out of London and the only time he seems to have days off seem to be the evening I’m busy and can’t talk! Trust me to find the complicated one!

Then Friday night I went for someone’s leaving drinks. I went out for one, soft drink. Got home a little before 4am, absolutely drunk as a skunk! But I had spent most of the evening kissing the guy who was leaving!

And this is an interesting one. We’d become ‘talking buddies’ (you know, the people you more than just nod ‘Hi’ at in the office, the ones you can have a chat with) end of last year, had kinda flirted at the Christmas party, and I’d thought he was VERY hot, but not really thought much more about it, after all, he seemed out of my league!

Apparently, though, for a couple of months after the Christmas party – we were dancing at one point and it got a bit ‘dirty dancing’ (he was rather drunk, I was sober) – there was a rumour about us throughout his department! Well there you go! I didn’t know that at all.

Anyway, Friday I sensed something. He seemed to be paying me a lot of attention and didn’t want me to go home when he and the 3 guys moved onto another bar. And I thought – “sod it, he’s leaving, at some point this evening I’m going to kiss him”. So I did! I kinda just grabbed him at one point and kissed him. Well, I think that’s what I did. But I’m not sure he needed much grabbing, to be honest!

And well, it kinda just went from there. And I didn’t get home ’til nearly 4 am! I very much enjoyed myself – he was a VERY  good kisser (unlike my SJA guy, who had the principle, but was just to wooden about it). He has 2 more days at work next week before he leaves.

So there we go. Nothing for a looooooooooooooooooong time, and in the last 2 months there have been 3.

Who knows what’s going to happen next! Watch this space.

I appear to have kissed a guy!

Goodness!

So after SJA meeting last night I end up going for a drink (well 2) with one of the guys in my unit. We’ve been flirting on and off for a few weeks now, and he asked me out for a drink.

And, well, as the title says: I kissed him!

Now I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. Because quite honestly I can’t say I see anything more than a quick fling with him. And I did tell him something along those lines: can’t promise anything, don’t want to hurt him/use him (well, do want to use him, but don’t, if you know what I mean).

I do like him, though he’s one of the most frustratingly irritating guys I know! Takes very little seriously and is slightly awkward in his own skin. I’ve got a feeling I’m going to try and do a Pygmalion on him!

Men

Meet Richard, formerly known as Biscuit (so as not to confuse I’m reverting to real first names). I work with him.

Meet James. He’s from church.

I like them both, but I have more of a pull towards Richard. Who, on paper, is not the best prospect. At 30 (I’m 32) he’s already a grumpy old man. He has self-esteem lower than mine. He’s not a Christian (well, he’s Church of England, but whether he has a living faith, I do not know).

James is a Christian. He’s also a barrister. He’s younger than Richard, I think, but I don’t know how old. He also lives about 5 mins walk away. But I don’t know him that well yet. We hang out at church things and he’s been to a BBQ I had for my birthday.

I should fancy James. He’s attractive, he’s intelligent (they both are) and he’s funny (they both are). But at the moment I don’t know him well enough for the pull of attraction towards him to outweigh the pull of attraction towards Richard. Who is a total coward when it comes to women.

James is more tactile. Richard dislikes any kind of PDA (public display of affection), from what he says. I’m a fan of PDA – as long as it’s not too over the top or too gratuitous or in front of me on the bus first thing!

It’s an interesting struggle and dilemma I’m having at the moment with these 2. It’s different for me to be analysing this more clearly.

Who knows what – if anything – will happen with either of them. In God I trust.

Wrestle

This guy I work with, Biscuit, has driven me somewhat crazy today. He’s a nice guy, friendly, intelligent, funny, a little bit shy. Very opinionated, but not in an offensive way. He made sure I knew about the lunchtime curry trip when noone else had told me. And leant me the money so I could eat as there wasn’t a cashpoint on the way.

Just before leaving work he was talking with one of our colleagues (totally offensive and opinionated!) about his weekend and how trains were down over the weekend due to “some march” happening in central London.

The march is about asking G20 leaders to put people first in their decisions () If I wasn’t on training I might have thought about going. Anyway, this discussion about no trains got Biscuit and Mr Offensive onto a discussion about people who march. And weren’t particularly complimentary.

The trouble with Biscuit is that he often comes out with things that are completely polar opposite with what I believe – and I can’t tell if he’s serious or not.

I was upset by this conversation for 2 reasons:

1. He was effectively calling me what he was calling those who are marching tomorrow (I forget his wording as I was trying to suppress a certain amount of irritation). Ironically, just as he was slating this I got a text message from a friend asking me if I wanted to join her tomorrow.
2. I like him, and it’s a rather painful internal tussle. Mr Offensive I would never have this problem with because he’s so openly offensive and antagonistic I’d never like him in that way. But Biscuit is just rather lovely, and I can’t reconcile this with the side of him that seems to be polar opposite, and my feeling for him.

Strangely I was dreaming last night about the last guy I went out with and also worked with – I ended it beacause of fundamental differences, but we still got on as friends after. Was this a sign? Or just an inner working out of things in my head whilst sleeping?

I’m struggling with this as I really don’t want to like Biscuit in that way as I can only see pain ahead for me. The problem is, I keep thinking I need to burn these feelings out. Which could be all holy thoughts: let the Holy Spirit burn them out. But it’s most likely to involve me and a lighter or kettle. So far managing to keep a lid on that urge.

Dream

Monday night I dreamt that this guy, Biscuit, was Superman! Admittedly we’ve recently had a heroes & villains-themed Christmas party.

And Superman was umming and ahhing about being in a relationship with me. And I decided, what the heck, I’d dance anyway. And so I did. I didn’t chase him or call him – after all he’s Superman, he knows! – and got on with the dancing. With my eyes closed – I wasn’t waiting, watching for him.

And as I danced, twisted and turned, after one turn I felt someone there. Someone solid, who grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. And I opened my eyes. And I danced with Superman. With Biscuit.

The irony is: Biscuit doesn’t dance. Unless he’s really, REALLY drunk!

Still, there’s something in that dream. More than something. I’m aware of the subconscious, of the fact that I need to just carry on dancing, carry on with my life, not waiting.

On a more mundane note, I’ve not been sleeping so well. Think the depression’s hitting a bit. Christmas has never been the most fantastic time for me. I’ve been dumped at least twice at Christmas-time – once in the wee hours of Christmas day itself, though in reality it still felt like Christmas Eve as we’d been out – and family is getting more complicated and stressful. Plus the self-esteem’s taken a bit of a hitting as I’ve realised I seem to have fallen for Biscuit, and all the complications that could cause. If he was even ready for a relationship yet. He’s still getting over the last one.

He’s been off sick 2 days this week. I’ve missed him. It’s felt like someone cut off one of my limbs!

Please pray for my sanity!

If I don’t blog in the next few days, Merry Christmas one and all. Thank you for reading.

Non-dates

I met up with 2 of the Greenbelt guys over the weekend! I know – it doesn’t rain, then it pours (bit like the weather too!) They’d both emailed during the week too.

On Saturday afternoon I went for coffee with Birmingham boy, the one who grew up not too far from where I did. Then walked him back to the station. It was a pleasant afternoon with a friend.

Sunday lunch I met Wimbledon guy at a nearby gastro pub. I got home at 7.45. It only took me 5 minutes to get home from the pub we’d ended up at. It was a thoroughly pleasant afternoon/early evening. We found we have a lot in common in the way we think about church and wot not. We shall see. Again… watch this space.

I’m open to possibilities.

Vision

So my chef. Well, not MY chef, but you know who I mean. All dressed up when he left work today, but I noticed a little extra weight around the middle – too much booze. And I’m hardly one to talk, with my extra few inches. And I’m certainly not criticising him for it. Or anyone else.

What struck me was my reaction to it. Which was a mild – oh, well that’s not good. I guess it made me realise how I’d seen him. He is basically testosterone on legs and I’d viewed him as a bit of totty, something good to look at (because I can’t touch).

And now he’s expanding a little I realised I wasn’t so interested in looking. Well, not in what he was wearing today.

I’m certainly not criticising a few extra pounds. My favourite boy from church has his fair share of extra pounds (and a good pair of legs I discovered this week – hot weather, shorts bring enlightenment!), but his body is not (solely) what I’m attracted to about him. It’s about him, who he is, how we get on. The chef – it’s been about his body (and his smile).

Funny that. Despite being a very visual-orientated woman (which is why I get my knickers in a twist with all the modesty stuff, because it implies only men struggle – some of the six packs I’ve seen in the park on a sunny lunch hour this week!), if I’m honest, I’m more attracted to the one who fits society’s attractiveness measures less.

Taming the beast

Decency. Modesty. Good and proper. So much is talked about what we wear and why we wear it. But so much is focused on us women. In the sense of what we wear. And what it does to men.

Particularly in Christian circles.

Why do we get so het up about what everyone’s wearing, what everyone’s doing, who we’re spending time with? I’ve picked up on another series of posts about women and modesty. They make my blood boil!

I like to wear skirts and tops and make the most of my figure. Whilst I’ve still got it.

But what makes my blood boil the most is that these men – and it’s predominantly men – write about how women must watch what they wear so as not to distract the men, yet fail to see that women can suffer in the same way.

Take today, for example. There’s a guy at work who normally dresses very ’sharp’ Suited, booted, clean-shaven. In fact, it’s part of his image, and he’s very conscious of his work image and how he projects himself. A little too concerned, I feel, but that’s a whole different story about what we value in life and work. But I digress…

Today his boss wasn’t in, he didn’t sleep so well and couldn’t find an ironed shirt. So he turned up in jeans, a T-shirt that was tight around his biceps (he’s VERY sporty) and a bit of stubble.

“Be still my beating heart!” “Calm down, dear!” The beast needed some taming. Oh boy, did it!

The thing is, as much as I like him and think he’s a nice guy, we chat about Doctor Who (the only fellow-fan at work, that I’ve found), he would drive me mad. And yet… today, give me a pint, and I would merrily have thrown all that aside and, well, maybe given it a try! (And ultimately humiliated myself.) Because it’s not just the guys who struggle daily with lust.

Let me leave you with a few gems from these blogs (which are part of a book). But before that, let me say, I get his point about what motivates dressing ‘immodestly’, be it to seek attention (guilty!) or to provoke the interest (aka lust) of a guy (also guilty!). But to focus solely on the women – and I believe church leaders do so because it’s only women who are mentioned in the Bible: but that was then, this is now, and a lot of what was written has context. Context that can be expanded upon.

So the final gems:

“Please know that I don’t write as a self-appointed critic. I am simply a concerned pastor who charitably assumes that most Christian women who dress immodestly are ignorant of the war with lust that men confront on a daily basis. They probably don’t have a clue what goes on in a man’s mind and what effect their bodies have on the eyes and hearts of men young and old. “

” I commend this young man’s tenacious fight for holiness. And I echo his gratitude to all women who choose to dress modestly—thank you a million times over. You’re truly serving your brothers in Christ by your obedience to God’s Word.”

“Godly men find modesty attractive. They appreciate women who dress with self-control and restraint. They’re grateful for women who serve them by helping them fight the temptation to lust.”

” ‘I had a vague idea that guys were more affected by sight than girls were. But I never realized how pervasive the temptation was. . . . Now, knowing a little bit of what guys go through every day, I have an ardent desire to serve my brothers in Christ. I want to make the church a haven for them.’ “

Oh come on, people, lighten up! Or not. Because it’s not just the guys who struggle, but who’s talking to us women about how to handle our lustful thoughts, or asking guys to be careful not to tempt us. Guys turning up to church in shorts often seems to be acceptable, but a healthy, athletic, tanned guy in a pair of shorts… What’s the difference?

God, it makes me so mad!

UPDATE

I found this at The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus.

What do I want?

What do I want in a man? I’ve been thinking about this over the last few days. Do I really know?

Thinking about Church Boy (CB). What is it about him that I like? Now I’ve got past the obsession, what about him attracts me. Or is it just because we’re comfortable friends and can pretty much talk about anything?

But I (slightly squiffily) told him a few weeks ago that he’d spoiled all other guys for me. So I need to try to narrow it down. Just to get it a bit clearer in my head. What is it?

He’s strong in his faith So many of my friends have compromised, are with guys who either don’t believer or nominally believe, and I’ve seen how it changes their beliefs, changes their priorities, keeps them away from church, from fellowship, from community.

He’s musical Shallow, I know, but he plays a mean guitar, drums like a dream and has a voice I could melt away to! But… I love music, so that’s a good thing. Though he works in music, which means irregular working.

He’s intelligent I don’t mean he’s an intellectual boffin, but he likes to learn and likes to talk about it.

He’s honest Tells it like it is. Doesn’t play games.

He’s a good listener He likes to talk, but he’ll also listen.

He’s encouraging If I can ever pin him down for that long-promised guitar lesson!

It’s not all about him He knows life is bigger than just him, and when he’s committed to something/someone, gives his all. He’s given a lot to the church over the last year, and it’s cost him. Big time.

He’s funny I don’t always get his humour, and I sometimes think he can be childish (what man can’t?), but he’s funny. And can see the black humour in things, which sometimes is needed.

I can’t think of anything else concrete. I think a lot of it is because we know each other so well, we’ve been through a lot (church-wise) together and have seen the best – and worst – of one another.

It’s just a real shame he doesn’t like me in that way. Ah well. There must be something better to come. Whatever shape or form – or not – that comes in.

Too open

Open book

I’m an open book,
with a technicolour cover
that tells it all.
No mystery,
no intrigue,
nothing to catch a reader’s eye,
nothing to make them want
to find out more
about the story inside.
[Sleeping Daisy]

I think I share too much. More than I should. It’s not just about me – when I talk about how I feel, I’m talking about someone else too. There’s another involved. And it’s all very well sharing with the anonymity of blogging. But offline…

“If one partner doesn’t know whether they can trust the other, they will not share certain things. And these may be the kinds of things that if there were trust, would bring them together.

Is this between you and me,

or you, me, and your friends?

Because that is going to change how much I tell you,

how much I let you in,

how much I trust you with,

how much I give to you.

How naked I get with you.

Is this argument between you and me,

or between you and me and whoever you are going to tell about it?

Is this quirky habit of mine something I let you see because I know you love me no matter what, or is this something you will entertain our friends with at a party?

How safe are you?”

Sex God, Rob Bell

I’m not sure I’m very safe.

I need to work on that, as it won’t do me any favours in the long run. And has the potential to cost me dearly.

But as a processor, how do I work through my problems without sharing?