Wrestle

This guy I work with, Biscuit, has driven me somewhat crazy today. He’s a nice guy, friendly, intelligent, funny, a little bit shy. Very opinionated, but not in an offensive way. He made sure I knew about the lunchtime curry trip when noone else had told me. And leant me the money so I could eat as there wasn’t a cashpoint on the way.

Just before leaving work he was talking with one of our colleagues (totally offensive and opinionated!) about his weekend and how trains were down over the weekend due to “some march” happening in central London.

The march is about asking G20 leaders to put people first in their decisions () If I wasn’t on training I might have thought about going. Anyway, this discussion about no trains got Biscuit and Mr Offensive onto a discussion about people who march. And weren’t particularly complimentary.

The trouble with Biscuit is that he often comes out with things that are completely polar opposite with what I believe – and I can’t tell if he’s serious or not.

I was upset by this conversation for 2 reasons:

1. He was effectively calling me what he was calling those who are marching tomorrow (I forget his wording as I was trying to suppress a certain amount of irritation). Ironically, just as he was slating this I got a text message from a friend asking me if I wanted to join her tomorrow.
2. I like him, and it’s a rather painful internal tussle. Mr Offensive I would never have this problem with because he’s so openly offensive and antagonistic I’d never like him in that way. But Biscuit is just rather lovely, and I can’t reconcile this with the side of him that seems to be polar opposite, and my feeling for him.

Strangely I was dreaming last night about the last guy I went out with and also worked with – I ended it beacause of fundamental differences, but we still got on as friends after. Was this a sign? Or just an inner working out of things in my head whilst sleeping?

I’m struggling with this as I really don’t want to like Biscuit in that way as I can only see pain ahead for me. The problem is, I keep thinking I need to burn these feelings out. Which could be all holy thoughts: let the Holy Spirit burn them out. But it’s most likely to involve me and a lighter or kettle. So far managing to keep a lid on that urge.

Deconstructing

tr.v. de·con·struct·ed, de·con·struct·ing, de·con·structs

1. To break down into components; dismantle.

2. To write about or analyze (a literary text, for example), following the tenets of deconstruction.

Interesting – I started this post back in April, when I decided I needed to deconstruct church. It’s taken me a while to get to a place I think is OK.

The point of deconstructing church was that it just wasn’t ‘doing it’ for me any more. I don’t mean that in a selfish, individualistic sense, but in the sense I wasn’t meeting God there, it wasn’t enabling me or equiping me for my week ahead. Or even the rest of my Sunday. And I cracked, which you’ll know if you’ve been reading for a while.

But in the last month or two I’ve finally set church free from my expectations. Which makes it easier for me to go. And also less burdensome – I also feel less guilty when I miss services too.

Church has now become that place where I do community. I go, I chat, I talk to people afterwards. I maintain and build friendships.

It’s also where I take part in communal worship.

But it’s not where I get my support from. It’s not the place that ’sends me out’ into my week. I’m not entirely sure where that is yet, but I’m working on that. I have friends I can call on, pray with, or who pray for me. I plan to join a homegroup, but that’s a few months ahead because of other commitment.

• St John Ambulance. After all, the church can only do what it has the resources – money, people, skills, time – to do, and at the moment, there’s little for me to get involved in. St John Ambulance is practical and is community-based. It’s not overtly Christian, but why should everything we do be? There shouldn’t be this sacred-secular divided that puts everything we do into one of two camps. We are called to live lives of workship daily, diong what we do to show love to others.
• Street Pastors. I hope to speak to some people in a month or so once it’s up and running locally and get on the training that starts in March.
• Refugee centre. Although all I do is sit on the sub-committee, I’ve asked if I could ’sponsor a student’ and am thinking of other ideas for raising money and awareness of the work they’re doing there.

It’s still work-in-progress, but that’s a life-long process! I think it’s going well so far, and it feels much better to have freed myself from the expectations of myself and of others! That said, yesterday I did Sunday School for the 3 & 4-year-olds. Little terrors – they are rather cute!

Too open

Open book

I’m an open book,
with a technicolour cover
that tells it all.
No mystery,
no intrigue,
nothing to catch a reader’s eye,
nothing to make them want
to find out more
about the story inside.
[Sleeping Daisy]

I think I share too much. More than I should. It’s not just about me – when I talk about how I feel, I’m talking about someone else too. There’s another involved. And it’s all very well sharing with the anonymity of blogging. But offline…

“If one partner doesn’t know whether they can trust the other, they will not share certain things. And these may be the kinds of things that if there were trust, would bring them together.

Is this between you and me,

or you, me, and your friends?

Because that is going to change how much I tell you,

how much I let you in,

how much I trust you with,

how much I give to you.

How naked I get with you.

Is this argument between you and me,

or between you and me and whoever you are going to tell about it?

Is this quirky habit of mine something I let you see because I know you love me no matter what, or is this something you will entertain our friends with at a party?

How safe are you?”

Sex God, Rob Bell

I’m not sure I’m very safe.

I need to work on that, as it won’t do me any favours in the long run. And has the potential to cost me dearly.

But as a processor, how do I work through my problems without sharing?

Stealing from the Marines!

Well, not quite like that. MB summonsed me to go watch his training video, and as I walked in I saw his training T-shirt and said “I want your T-shirt!” Joking, mind.

Didn’t expect him to take it off, there and then, and give it to me!

Result!

My life in 6 words – part 2

So, my life in 6 words.

I’ve improved with age, grown into myself, found my feet, become comfortable with my giftings, am more able to deal with the ups and downs of life, am more likely to see who I am and want to change the bits that don’t make me happy (I’m not talking physically, like plastic surgery).

Growing up (somewhat depressingly) seems to suit me.

But there’s still work to be done, hence why improve, not improved with age.

My life in 6 words

“Some things get better with age.”

Tagged by The Third Province.

An A-Z of me

A – Available?
Yes. Very.

B – Best friend
I think they faded with adolescence, but I have a handful of close friends

C – Cake or Pie?
Hmm… probably pie

D – Drink of choice:
Fruit juice

E – Essential thing used everyday
My laptop

F – Favourite color:
Pink

G – Gummi bears or worms:
Gummi bears

H – Hometown:
Currently London

I – Indulgence:
A looooooooooooong bath

J – January or February:
January

K – Kids and names:
None

L – Life:
Needs to be taken one step at a time

M – Marriage date:
Still to come

N – Number of siblings:
One – younger brother

O – Oranges or apples:
Oranges

P – Phobias:
Spiders

Q – Quote:
“God has not always answered my prayers. If He had I would have married the wrong man – several times.”
~Ruth Graham

R – Reason to smile:
Friends

S – Season:
Spring

T – Tag three people:
Aphra
Barbara
Suzy

U – Unknown fact about me:
I have a heart-shaped mole, but I’m not telling you where (No, no there!)

V – Vegetable you do not like:
Mushroom

W – Worst habit:
Picking at myself

X – x-rays you have had:
Teeth, wrist, foot

Y – Your favorite food:
Steak and chips!

Z – Zodiac:
Taurus