Just one step at a time

Saw Sex and the City tonight. Really enjoyed it, actually. And there were some really deep bits during it, as well as the sex, the shopping, the shoes and the laughs!

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What do I want in a man? I’ve been thinking about this over the last few days. Do I really know?

Thinking about Church Boy (CB). What is it about him that I like? Now I’ve got past the obsession, what about him attracts me. Or is it just because we’re comfortable friends and can pretty much talk about anything?

But I (slightly squiffily) told him a few weeks ago that he’d spoiled all other guys for me. So I need to try to narrow it down. Just to get it a bit clearer in my head. What is it?

He’s strong in his faith So many of my friends have compromised, are with guys who either don’t believer or nominally believe, and I’ve seen how it changes their beliefs, changes their priorities, keeps them away from church, from fellowship, from community.

He’s musical Shallow, I know, but he plays a mean guitar, drums like a dream and has a voice I could melt away to! But… I love music, so that’s a good thing. Though he works in music, which means irregular working.

He’s intelligent I don’t mean he’s an intellectual boffin, but he likes to learn and likes to talk about it.

He’s honest Tells it like it is. Doesn’t play games.

He’s a good listener He likes to talk, but he’ll also listen.

He’s encouraging If I can ever pin him down for that long-promised guitar lesson!

It’s not all about him He knows life is bigger than just him, and when he’s committed to something/someone, gives his all. He’s given a lot to the church over the last year, and it’s cost him. Big time.

He’s funny I don’t always get his humour, and I sometimes think he can be childish (what man can’t?), but he’s funny. And can see the black humour in things, which sometimes is needed.

I can’t think of anything else concrete. I think a lot of it is because we know each other so well, we’ve been through a lot (church-wise) together and have seen the best - and worst - of one another.

It’s just a real shame he doesn’t like me in that way. Ah well. There must be something better to come. Whatever shape or form - or not - that comes in.

Open book

I’m an open book,
with a technicolour cover
that tells it all.
No mystery,
no intrigue,
nothing to catch a reader’s eye,
nothing to make them want
to find out more
about the story inside.
[Sleeping Daisy]

I think I share too much. More than I should. It’s not just about me - when I talk about how I feel, I’m talking about someone else too. There’s another involved. And it’s all very well sharing with the anonymity of blogging. But offline…

“If one partner doesn’t know whether they can trust the other, they will not share certain things. And these may be the kinds of things that if there were trust, would bring them together.

Is this between you and me,

or you, me, and your friends?

Because that is going to change how much I tell you,

how much I let you in,

how much I trust you with,

how much I give to you.

How naked I get with you.

Is this argument between you and me,

or between you and me and whoever you are going to tell about it?

Is this quirky habit of mine something I let you see because I know you love me no matter what, or is this something you will entertain our friends with at a party?

How safe are you?”

Sex God, Rob Bell

I’m not sure I’m very safe.

I need to work on that, as it won’t do me any favours in the long run. And has the potential to cost me dearly.

But as a processor, how do I work through my problems without sharing?

I’m a commitment phobe.

Cartoon courtesy of cartoonstock.

Too often we divorce the why we do something from the what we do. Why do we do what we do to help others? Why are we Christians any different from the socially-conscious person who gives money, and time, and campaigns for a better life for others? What do we have that they don’t? What can we give that they can’t?

We do because we love. Because we love God. The two greatest commandments are to love God and love others as ourselves. In helping, we are loving others as we would wish to be loved. And we do it because of grace and love: God gives us so much that we want to redress the balance, right injustices, give to others that which was given to us as a gift.

And we do it because of Jesus.

But that doesn’t mean that we use doing as a means of evangelising. There should be no bargaining, no ‘if I help you, you must come to church’. We cannot bribe people into the Kingdom of God. But we should be ready with our answers to the question: “Why are you doing this for me?” Too often, social action is used to piggy-back evangelism onto it. As St. Francis of Assisi said, we should “Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.”

When we do out of love, God will honour that and open ears and eyes to hear about Him.

I had a large bottle of Magners cider last night. That’s pretty much all it takes (after only a bowl of soup) to get me to the stage where I can ask Church Boy if there would ever have been a chance if I’d not messed things up so early on. Oh, and by the way, I still love him to bits, would not say no if he asked, but know he’s not going to ask, so am trying to move on. And really value his friendship.

Now I wasn’t drunk, but I wasn’t quite brave enough to tell him that when sober. He took it well. He is actually a really good friend. I think he may have spoiled other guys for me for a while, but he may not have. I need to hang on to the friendship and affection: I have stopped trying to make it something it isn’t. Now need to deal with the remnants of hoping.

Can’t sleep. My mind is whizzing round like a centrifuge. Lots of things going round and round and round and… Mainly to do with Work Guy.

I started thinking about Church Boy. I think he’s become my default position for ‘love’. If no one else is giving me attention, I go to him for it. And he’s safe, because he never gives me what I want. I’m pulling back a little from him at the moment. Mainly because of my other interest, but also it’s best to keep away from that pull which is more of a need than a desire.

As for Good Chef. He seems to have dropped of my desire list now. I manage to speak to him without wanting to jump him!

But I’m still a little nervous, a little shy about Work Guy. Maybe that’s a good thing.

“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must go there to find it.”

I read this quote today. And it makes me think, it’s hard enough to find a man, let alone find one who’s going to go to that much trouble.

But today I’m cold, tired and cynical, so I’ll just ignore my thinking until I’ve had some sleep.

I feel loved when…

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Languages are probably Physical Touch and Quality Time

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

If we don’t have to wait, we’ll never learn patience.
If we don’t have to struggle, we’ll never value that which we achieve.
If we don’t have trust, we’ll never have faith.
If life’s too easy, we’ll never develop character.
If we’re never tempted, we’ll never learn how to resist.

It’s an interesting one this. We justify our actions by saying we’d rather regret what we’ve done than what we didn’t do. But really? Would we rather regret the affair than not having tried and rediscovered love again? Would we rather regret not have that one last drink than having it and the consequences that come with it? I’m not saying do take risks, just don’t take stupid ones. That’s something I’ve learned.

But my point on this is that a guy I briefly ’saw’ in November, who dropped off the radar and stopped contacting me because he’s moving back to Turkey this year and didn’t want to get involved with someone, reappeared over the Christmas break. He texted me Happy Christmas, which I (eventually) replied to (having deleted his number in a strop because he’d not been in touch). Then he sent me a text in the early hours of New Year’s Day: “I wish I was with you now.”

And there lies the temptation. Firstly the temptation towards pride and smugness - I knew he’d regret his decision and miss me! A certain smugness (along with the pain of my bruised and bumped head) reared at that. But the major temptation is to leave him be. It wouldn’t go anywhere (OK, maybe I’m being too dismissive, so I’m leaving this over to God) and he’s moving back to Turkey in a few months. But I could pick it up, carry on where we left off, a bit of a fling, some attention, the ‘pleasure’ of kissing a guy I find attractive and who (miracle upon miracles!) seems to like me too. But what would be the point? Short-term gain over long-term? It would just be because I’m lonely (which is how I’ve got into many of my man messes over the years and something I need to work on one step at a time).

So I’ve not replied. Is that cruel? Yes and no. If I keep up the contact, try to have a friendship it’s just going to get complicated - too many pheromones involved to just be friends now. And I don’t want to lead him on. Or put myself in the place of temptation.

So already one step.

And a door.

I’m thinking about changing my job. I’ve been there 3 years now. I think I’ve learned pretty much all I can in that role. I’m rarely stretching myself, unless you count fighting with the printer and Microsoft templates on a daily basis ’stretch’! There’s no upward progression for me.

But a sideways move has appeared - a 6-month secondment in another department. It would stretch me (and that scares me). But it’s a door. So I’ll apply. I’ll push on it and see what happens. And if it stays shut I’ll push on the doors for 2 other positions coming up internally. And while I’m doing that I’ll really push on some doors - I’m going to update my CV and sent out prospecting letters, not just to recruitment agencies but to various charities and NGOs I’m interested in and see what they have.

So early in the year and steps being taken! Hold on tight - this is going to be a bit of a ride!