OCD, or self-diagnosing

At the beginning of the week I went on a Mental Health First Aid course. Thought it would be useful for my volunteer work – Street Pastors and St John Ambulance – plus might also give me some tools myself for dealing with depression, should it strike again in the way it did 2 years ago.

(As an aside, I’ve finished my CBT for looking at how to deal with my bottomed-out self-esteem, and things are looking up. Though I’m slightly nervous about doing it on my own, without a therapist to talk it through every week. But I’m confident I can manage, and am not putting too high expectations on myself – which was one of the problems!)

One of the things I discovered during the course – well, looking through the course booklet, was a condition on the OCD spectrum called CSP – compulsive skin picking. That and TTM, trichotillomania (or hair pulling) seem to be what I’ve been doing since I was a kid – more intensely since I was 18/19.

CSP – it has a name! That means other people do it! That means I’m not the only one in the world. That means although it’s a problem, people have recognised it and thought up ways to help people stop it. That means I’m not a lost cause! That means I can stop – after all, others can and have. Woo hoo!

It’s not just a form of self-harm, which I thought it was, though I didn’t think it was quite that, as there was something rather addictive – compulsive – about it.

I’m wondering if I suffer from Body Dismorphic Disorder in some way. According to OCD UK:

BDD obsessions may manifest themselves as excessive, disproportionate concerns about a minor flaw, or as recurrent, anxiety-provoking thoughts about an entirely imagined defect. The obsessions are most frequently focused on the head and face, but may involve any body part. When others tell them that they look fine or that the flaw they perceive is minimal, people with BDD find it hard to believe this reassurance.

Some of the ways it can manifest (relevant to my behaviour):

Checking the appearance of the specific body part in mirrors.
Excessive grooming, by combing, shaving, removing or cutting hair, applying makeup.
Picking their skin to make it smooth.
Picking the skin around the perceived defect.
Comparing the appearance of the perceived defect with that of others.

It’s amazing how giving something a name makes it a lot less scary.

I’ve always picked scabs and bit my nails since I was a kid. Not excessively, but was always told off about it, like it was a major deal. I remember when I first started growing the body hair we all grow, you know, the normal stuff. It was dark, dark, dark! And I’ve never really been able to control it: even when I shave I miss some (and take a good proportion of my skin off at the same time).

The hair pulling – with tweezers from my legs – started at uni. I remember the moment with clarity. I was trying to wax my legs and my roommate came in and couldn’t cope with me doing it when she was there, so I ended up with half-waxed legs, which I then had to shave. Of course I missed loads! And so out came the tweezers. Because hairy legs is SO unfeminine. (I think I mentioned one of my self-esteem issues is a feeling of not being feminine enough.)

I’ve seen and heard the lie that a ‘proper’ woman has a clear complexion and is totally hair-free, apart from long, luscious hair on her head, and realised I don’t live up to that.

And so it began in earnest. And 14 years later I’m still doing it. I can’t cope if there’s a dark hair growing. It MUST come out. It’s even worse if it’s growing under the skin – that’s where the tweezers get dug into my skin to get it out. Then it forms a scab, which is ripe for picking. And if there’s a hair growing out of the centre of that scab… well, that has to come out.

The thing is, I KNOW that picking the scabs, or pulling the hairs make my skin worse. They bleed and don’t heal quickly. They get infected and scar. My legs are a mass of scabs and scars – so the very thing that is supposed to remove the ‘defects’ I dislike creates more, which look a lot worse.

But there is hope!

There’s a treatment called habit reversal therapy – replacing the bad habits with good. For example – instead of picking I could rub moisturisers into my legs instead. I’m waiting for a book about overcoming OCD to arrive, so hopefully with the experience of having had therapy, and the buffer of the anti-depressants to keep me from going under again – I can work on reversing this. If I can’t do it by March, when I’m looking at starting to come off the pills (the doc suggested I keep taking them during winter, as winter can cause its own depression), then I’ll go to the doc and ask for some help.

Lent

Aphra posted about Lent yesterday, with a link to this prayer guide (it’s a pdf). I thought it interesting and it has got me thinking.

I had already planned to look at the issues of grace, guilt, forgiveness and repentance (just a few little things!), to try and see how we as Christians can let go of unnecessaryguilt. So many of us are wracked with guilt that I think the Humanist Society has half a point with their athiest bus campaign.

Some Christians worry so much no wonder those who don’t believe can’t see what the benefit of Jesus in their life would be. After all, when most Christians they know have more hangups than then, why are they going to believe that Jesus makes life so much better?

I also thought about giving something up, but in a time of recession, I’m already cutting back. So I’ve decided to give up something that isn’t material or financial (though I might fast on luncthime a week to focus on the study, and give the money somewhere): I’m going to give up talking so much and take up listening; give up focussing on me so much (don’t laugh!) and take up focussing on others.

Small steps

As requested (thank you for your concern), an update.

I saw the doc on Monday. She’s referred me for CBT, which should take 4-6 weeks for them to get in touch, which considering this is the NHS, I thought it was quite swift! In the meantime, sticking with the happy pills, and go back in just under 2 weeks for a re-fill.

I am a lot brighter than I was when I saw her 2 weeks ago, which she commented on. Admittedly that day I was hyper – in the morning I’d seen the physio, busy day at work, left early for the doc, had my hair cut then dashed off to a church meeting (first one in a while and it was actually OK). I seem to be feeling more on top of things just by saying I have a problem and I can’t cope – a lot of worry has lifted (but not gone), and with (most) people reassuring me I’m not mad, I don’t feel quite so crazy.

I also have new glasses (which I need to get adjusted on my wonky ears) and have had all my hair chopped off. About 7 inches of it!

The amused face is due to my hyperactive housemate taking the photo.

I went to look at a flat last night. It was tiny – saving £100 a month is not THAT important to me. Coping a bit better in the house now, so will just keep my eye out and see if anything comes up.

Job is OK, if a little busy. I’m putting in coping strategies, and when things get really bad (and I had a moment of rising panic last week), I take a bit of time out, either food or a walk outside. Seem to have resisted the urge for cigarettes, which is good, as they only make me feel horrible after.

The wrist is healing, and I’m picking it less. Or causing less damage when I pick.

I’m also trying to find things to do to keep me busy. I’m investgating joining St John Ambulance. This weekend I’m marshalling at a charity walk.

I’m planning to start pilates next week, at the advice of both my physio and my podiatrist. Also have to spend at least an hour each day stretching and doing exercises, and the podiatrist reckons CBT would be good for pain management too.

I’m even thinking about a holiday. I mutter back in Jan/Feb about my ideal trip to Istanbul by train. I’ve found something similar. Though this could end up being an expensive trip, but 22 days exploring (very briefly) Eastern Europe and Istanbul… I’m planning, if I’m up for it, to go and talk to them about it, with a long list of questions, as they’re based withing walking distance from me. Though still rather nervous about something like that. Would still rather go with a friend. The Bank of Dad is, however, prepared to loan me some dosh to pay towards it, if I want to go, though my Mother has been sending me all the bad reviews of the company she can find on the internet. So I’ll be ‘properly informed’. Born pessimist, my mother. Which explains a lot about me!

I’m tired and need to go get some food and then head for bed. Have not been reading many blogs as have been trying to get earlier nights, and have been reading various books. Am in the middle of Perseolis, which I am enjoying. Hope to catch up properly on blogs over the weekend, but am managing to resist the need to ensure Bloglines doesn’t have any outstanding posts on it, which has been known to stress me. As does a full inbox at work (I have folders to hide emails in and try to keep the essentials and outstanding ones in my inbox – I have about 30 at the moment and am trying to contain the panic everytime I look at it!)

I think that sums it up.

Jim Wallis in London

Jim Wallis was over here in the UK, and I’m very grateful a friend let me know he would be talking a church.co.uk about his new book Seven Ways to Change the World.

A few nuggets. He didn’t tell us the 7 ways, and although I bought the book, I’ve not got that far, having found a bunch of friends there too, so went to the pub after.

• When asked what had been the things that had got him most into trouble: Going the places you’re not supposed to go, particularly as a white, middle class Christian. Walking past those invisible ‘No Trespassing!’ signs.
• The 2 big hungers in this world are for spirituality and social action. And the movement that combines both of this will set the world on fire.
• People will get excited about this different kind of faith.
• We’re not to just ignore bad news. Revival is the good news for bad news.
• Politics is broken.
• The most effective social movements – Great Awakenings – have happened when politics has failed to address a major social injustice, and have always had a spiritual foundation.
• Faith is what moves the mountains that are the seemingly impossible social injustices: poverty, trafficking, climate change, racial injustice, and so on.
• Social change requires commitment from each one of us. We need to start in our own lives, lead in our communities and that will make a difference on a bigger scale.
• It takes time. Wilberforce put his first Bill forward 9 times, and it took another 30 years before the slave trade itself was made illegal.
• Charles Finney ‘invented’ the altar call; and got each new Christian to sign up to the anti-slavery movement there and then.
• God needs to be real and personal to sustain the commitment and faith that moves mountains.
• Hope is a choice. Cynicism comes from unsuccessful attempts to bring about a change, but instead of persisting, cynicism gives up and declares nothing can ever change.
• Hope means believing in spite of the evidence. Then watching the evidence change.
• Bad religion calls out of us our bad stuff. We’ve seen a lot of bad religion. We want to see more good religion, which calls out of us our good stuff: compassion, action and so on..

Oh, and I didn’t realise he was married to the REAL Vicar of Dibley, one of the first women to be ordained in the UK, who went on to advise Richard Curtis and Dawn French on the show.

Why are you sad?

I came across a moving post on The Little Tortoise. When asking her son why he was sad, she received the reply “Because I’m not happy any more.”From the mouths of babes often come such profound words.

How often are we not happy, and can’t necessarily put our finger on why? Sadness is the absence of happiness. And happiness if fleeting.

In Christian circles it’s often talked about how we should not aim for happiness: but for joy. A joy that exists even in the bad times, even when we’re sad because we’re not happy any more.

It’s a joy that is born from hope. Hope in knowing that there’s more to life than what is happening to us right here, right now. It’s not easy, because we’re programmed to crave happiness. A joy, though more solid, is frowned upon. Because joy is not about us. It’s about something – Someone – bigger than our lives. Joy is about others, about giving, about receiving, about hoping, about loving.

We can be sad even in our joy. Because our happiness is not important.

But our joy is.

Today’s devotional

Keep your dream alive
The Word for Today, 01 Mar 2008
‘Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.’ EPHESIANS 3:20
When God gives you a dream, He places within you or within reach, all the resources needed to fulfil it. Do you have an unthinkable, scary, absolutely wild idea that won’t let you sleep? That’s the way it is with dreams, especially when God is in them. They appear crazy (humanly speaking, they are crazy!). Placed alongside the triangle of logic, cost and timing, such dreams usually seem beyond our reach. They won’t fly when you test them against the gravity of reality. And the strangest part is the more they are told ‘can’t’ the more they pulsate ‘can’ and ‘will’ and ‘must.’ What’s behind great accomplishments? Inevitably, great people. But what is in those great people that makes them different? It’s certainly not their age or gender or heritage or talent or environment. It’s faith! They are people who think and believe differently. Are you dreaming about writing a book? Don’t wait for a publisher, start writing! Are you wondering if all that work with the kids is worth it? It is! Want to go back to university and finish your degree? Do it. Pay the price, even if it takes years! Trying to master a skill that takes time, patience and energy (not to mention money)? Press on! Thinking about going into business? Why not? It’s hard to find satisfaction halfway up someone else’s corporate ladder. Without a dream and the determination to fulfil it, life is reduced to bleak black and wimpy white, a diet too bland to get anybody out of bed in the morning. So go after the quest that fuels your fire. Keep your dream alive!

See also this post by Awareness on possibilities.

Which dream? India?

Or does it mean anything that I read this after my last post about the deadline? Or am I just reading too much into it? (Which is not unlike me.)

Hope