Just one step at a time

I had a large bottle of Magners cider last night. That’s pretty much all it takes (after only a bowl of soup) to get me to the stage where I can ask Church Boy if there would ever have been a chance if I’d not messed things up so early on. Oh, and by the way, I still love him to bits, would not say no if he asked, but know he’s not going to ask, so am trying to move on. And really value his friendship.

Now I wasn’t drunk, but I wasn’t quite brave enough to tell him that when sober. He took it well. He is actually a really good friend. I think he may have spoiled other guys for me for a while, but he may not have. I need to hang on to the friendship and affection: I have stopped trying to make it something it isn’t. Now need to deal with the remnants of hoping.

I wanted to talk to somebody about what I’d just posted, but in the early hours of the morning, who? And who could I really talk to about it? Who did I really want to talk to about it?

There was one person. And I could see he was awake, being online on Facebook. But… I had a thing about him for so long it’s still hard for me to initiate contact with him. And he doesn’t - unless he needs me to do something at church. He’s the one of the hug.

So I posted a Facebook status: “Jo is somewhat sick to the stomach after a rather upsetting revelation.” I’m prone to a little melodrama, I know that.

About 30 minutes after I posted that I got a text. From him. So I called. And squirmed telling him. I feel so stupid!

But after a fairly lengthy conversation about that, theology, earthquakes (he felt the earthquake we had in the UK this week) and various other random topics of conversation, I feel a little better. A little more confused because of him, but a little less wound up and angry at myself.

So now I shall try to get some sleep.  It’s very windy outside and it’s whistling down my chimney, so hopefully I’ll be able to get some rest.

The Gift of Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.
Henri Nouwen

Idealizing Romance

… Many people who are ‘into’ romance (watch our for anyone who tels you that!) feel that friendship is a grade lower than a romance. Thus, they will attempt to develop romantic feelings with someone that they are friends with, believing they are taking the friendship to a better and deeper level. I had a friend tell me that she did this several times with high school and college friends. They thought, We’re so close, there must be romance here.Romantic relationships are not better than friendships. They are different and meed different needs. Do not get caught in the idea that you are missing out by keeping your friend as “only” your friend.

Boundaries in Dating, Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, Chapter 8 ‘Don’t ruin a friendship out of loneliness’.

I came across this book when I was tidying yesterday (before the concussion incident), and as I was pondering whether to keep this book or not, it fell open onto this chapter.

I think I’m a romanticizer, which is why I get into so much trouble with guys. If I like them I must want to love them, and I often end up fancying guys and then falling out with them because they don’t reciprocate. Because I do see friendship as a lower stage than ‘love’.

So I’ve identified something to work on when it comes to relationships. Having friendships with guys without trying to push them into something more. Growing up in relationships. Romanticizing comes from my loneliness so I need to have that met through my relationship with God and through my friendships. And I need to find a male friend who can give me hugs every so often, because I miss that warmth, that strength from a proper hug. I’m sure this is why I love babies so much - I can give them a cuddle and nobody complains (as long as I know the parents!), and I get that human touch I miss from being on my own.

Yesterday I felt that acute sense of aloneness. Despite having friends who took me in, it was a bit of a desperate ring around to find someone who could take me to the hospital and another to give me a bed for the night so I didn’t have to spend the night in hospital (all but 1 of my housemates are out of town and the one that is wouldn’t come home, despite me asking if her and her fiancée would spend the evening at our place so I didn’t have to be farmed out). I felt and acute loneliness, neediness and sense of the burden I was being on my friends, whereas if I wasn’t single I would have had someone who (most likely) would been able to do all that for me.

But that’s not a reason to chase after any kind of relationship. I need to be happy in myself in order to be healthy in a relationship. And see friendship as of equal value and not try to change all my friendships with guys.

Just a small step then!