Just one step at a time

Although I’ve never finished The Purpose Driven Life, I get the daily devotional emails. Yesterday’s was this:

Is Your Faith In Your Fear?
by Jon Walker “But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” (Matthew 14:27, NIV)

Across the breadth of the Bible, God consistently sends the message, “Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”

The Bible reveals that God knows we tend toward fear, particularly as we respond to uncertainty and change. Yet the Bible also reveals that God is the only unchanging certainty in this world – or out of it.

Yet, is it possible we have more faith in our fear than we do in God?

No matter how complex life becomes, it still comes down to this basic choice: Will we place our confidence in the All-Powerful Supreme Being and Sole Authority of the Universe, or will we place greater confidence in our fears?

Although the choice is black-or-white basic, God knows it’s not simple. It involves a challenging stretch, and that’s why God continually reminds us, “Fear not, for I am with you

God is clear that our abilities, our resources – even a belief in the myth of luck – will not be what strengthens us for the journey. (Philippians 4:13) We fear we can’t do the things God calls us to do, and we fear that God will not protect us or provide for us. We choose this fear, embracing the unholy lie that our circumstances are bigger than the One True God.

Our faith in God gets placed on the altar of our own perceptions when we should be placing our perceptions on the altar of unflinching faith.

If you’re like me, you often fear what’s behind the curtain of God’s call, and God – frustratingly – won’t let me peek behind the curtain, and so:

Our fear shouts – “Pay no attention to the God behind the curtain; he’s just another wizard from Oz, using smoke and mirrors to give you the illusion of power and grace.”
Our God whispers – In that still, small voice, he calls us to develop confidence in him; he calls us to abandon the confidence we have in what we see and the confidence we have in our fears. God keeps the curtain of our future drawn so we will learn to live by faith and not by sight, so we will become certain of what we hope for and become sure of God, even when we cannot see how he’s working in our current circumstances. (Hebrews 11:1)

What does this mean?

• Ask God to replace your fear with faith – Eliminating your fear involves more than working up your courage. This is a spiritual battle that requires you to develop faith. But first you need to make a choice – Will you fear, or will you “faith?” Faith means you believe the truth – Your behavior and decisions are most often rooted in what you believe. When you experience fear, ask yourself, “What does this fear say about what I believe in this circumstance?” What fears are you experiencing today? What do they say about the beliefs you currently embrace? Ask God to pull these false beliefs and fears out by the root.
• Get caught in an act of faith – One day, a woman who had hemorrhaged for 12 years slipped up behind Jesus and touched his robe, believing he could heal her. “Jesus turned –caught her at it. Then he reassured her: ‘Courage, daughter. You took a risk of faith, and now you’re well.’” (Matthew 9:22, MSG) God is for you, and he encourages you to be caught in the act of faith. When you act in faith, you proclaim your belief in God; you acknowledge he exists and that God cares about you.
• Let a friend tell you about your fears — Ask a friend if he or she sees a part of your life where you show more fear than faith – and then, together, pray for God to help your unbelief. (Mark 9:24)

I wondered what this meant. I’ve been thinking a lot about fear since 2008 started. Because I’ve been pushing at those doors.

One of the doors I’m pushing at is to go back to India, towards the end of this year, for 6 - 12 months. And that is terrifying! Terrifying that if I actually put myself out there, push those doors, God might actually let one of them open. That I might actually be doing this thing I feel He is asking me to, at least, explore.

And 2-3 hours after this email arrived, there came one from the guy I know in Hyderabad, who arranged the conferences we spoke at in 2006. He’d heard of a doctor working in Mumbai with people who have HIV/AIDS and also with people who’ve been trafficked. Which is the area I am interested in volunteering my time and my skills in.

And then I knew why that email arrived that morning.

I talked a lot last year about feeling lost, feeling disconnected with myself. I talked about maybe seeing a Spiritual Director, and started seeing one towards the end of last year. I also mooted the idea of counselling, and some of you gave me some excellent advice. Thank you.

It’s strange, but since seeing my Spiritual Director I seem to have gained a strength I didn’t realise I have. She helps me to see myself through God’s eyes. She gives me space to be myself, think for myself and not hide from myself. She gives me space to examine myself - but not in isolation, not with self-pity, but with strength and sense. She’s helped me to realise that my relationship with God isn’t all about the ‘fuzzy’, but it’s about the everyday, the ups-and-downs, and that I’m actually stronger than I think I am, closer to Him than I can see.

My last-but-one post talks about how I’ve realised that a lot of my acting out is because I’ve never felt ‘bad enough’ to deserve God’s grace. I’ve also realised most of my acting out (which is always with guys) is because I’m lonely. But I’m starting to realise that loneliness is a state of mind and it doesn’t matter how many people are around you. I’m embracing my aloneness and solitude and relaxing in it. I think I got so busy I forget to take time for me, to be me, and that fuelled the loneliness.

I’ve realised that I’d put my life on hold. I’ll do this when I meet a guy. I won’t do that until I meet a guy. But he might never turn up. So I’m just going to move on forward until God says stop. And if I happen to meet a guy on the way - Yay! Fantastic! But if not. Then God’s grace and love will be sufficient for me.

Now that REALLY doesn’t sound like me at all?

I’ve realised that some friendships are just for a season and that letting go of the hopes you had for them might be painful, but may be the best thing, as you only end up getting hurt when they don’t live up to your (often unspoken and unrealistic) expectations.

I’ve realised there’s more to life than my life, than London. That there are people out there who have something to teach me.

I’ve realised that pushing doors is scary, but that doors closing isn’t necessarily rejection. And that sometimes you’re pushing at someone else’s door. I’ve learnt (in one situation, anyway) to be gracious and watch someone go off and do the thing I thought I wanted to do, and bless them on that journey.

I’ve realised that India is still on my mind, so am pushing the doors to see if I’m meant to go again. And if so, for how long. My gut instinct (which is ironic considering what the food did to me last time!) is to go in September for 6 months.

And I’ve realised that often I’m scared of doors opening because I don’t know how I’ll handle it.

And I’ve realised that clearing the air can lead to a good friendship you didn’t realise you could have!

And yes, I’ve realised that I’m a complete idiot. But that’s just who I am. And God loves me anyway.

[Image from PostSecret.]

If we don’t have to wait, we’ll never learn patience.
If we don’t have to struggle, we’ll never value that which we achieve.
If we don’t have trust, we’ll never have faith.
If life’s too easy, we’ll never develop character.
If we’re never tempted, we’ll never learn how to resist.

It’s an interesting one this. We justify our actions by saying we’d rather regret what we’ve done than what we didn’t do. But really? Would we rather regret the affair than not having tried and rediscovered love again? Would we rather regret not have that one last drink than having it and the consequences that come with it? I’m not saying do take risks, just don’t take stupid ones. That’s something I’ve learned.

But my point on this is that a guy I briefly ’saw’ in November, who dropped off the radar and stopped contacting me because he’s moving back to Turkey this year and didn’t want to get involved with someone, reappeared over the Christmas break. He texted me Happy Christmas, which I (eventually) replied to (having deleted his number in a strop because he’d not been in touch). Then he sent me a text in the early hours of New Year’s Day: “I wish I was with you now.”

And there lies the temptation. Firstly the temptation towards pride and smugness - I knew he’d regret his decision and miss me! A certain smugness (along with the pain of my bruised and bumped head) reared at that. But the major temptation is to leave him be. It wouldn’t go anywhere (OK, maybe I’m being too dismissive, so I’m leaving this over to God) and he’s moving back to Turkey in a few months. But I could pick it up, carry on where we left off, a bit of a fling, some attention, the ‘pleasure’ of kissing a guy I find attractive and who (miracle upon miracles!) seems to like me too. But what would be the point? Short-term gain over long-term? It would just be because I’m lonely (which is how I’ve got into many of my man messes over the years and something I need to work on one step at a time).

So I’ve not replied. Is that cruel? Yes and no. If I keep up the contact, try to have a friendship it’s just going to get complicated - too many pheromones involved to just be friends now. And I don’t want to lead him on. Or put myself in the place of temptation.

So already one step.

And a door.

I’m thinking about changing my job. I’ve been there 3 years now. I think I’ve learned pretty much all I can in that role. I’m rarely stretching myself, unless you count fighting with the printer and Microsoft templates on a daily basis ’stretch’! There’s no upward progression for me.

But a sideways move has appeared - a 6-month secondment in another department. It would stretch me (and that scares me). But it’s a door. So I’ll apply. I’ll push on it and see what happens. And if it stays shut I’ll push on the doors for 2 other positions coming up internally. And while I’m doing that I’ll really push on some doors - I’m going to update my CV and sent out prospecting letters, not just to recruitment agencies but to various charities and NGOs I’m interested in and see what they have.

So early in the year and steps being taken! Hold on tight - this is going to be a bit of a ride!

I saw this on PostSecret today. Thought it summed things up. No New Year’s Resolutions for me in 2008. Just a fresh start, taking each day at a time.

This should be the first step.

I’ve been thinking about my future over the last few weeks, since I did my first main service preach at church. Someone mentioned lay readership again. That’s a big decision, which could commit me to this church, this area for the next 3 and half years whilst training. Is that what I want, either to become a lay reader or to remain in this place?

My job will be changing over the next few months. Again, I may need to make a decision - do I live with the changes, make the best of them, or do I start to look for something else, maybe even out of London? In reality, at some point in the next year or so I will need to move on or up, and there’s not much choice where I am. There are a couple of jobs up for grabs, but I’m not sure if they’re what I want. Or if I’m what they want for those jobs.

The common theme is, though, I need to decide. God gives us choices. We can choose what we do. Sure, we can choose to listen to Him, to be guided by Him, ultimately it’s our choice whether to follow Him or not.

“The reason you don’t have what you want is…you don’t ask God.” James 4:2

And sometimes we have to ask for what we want.

Thanks to ASBO Jesus for the ‘toon.