Struggle

The word ’struggle’ has been on my mind at lot these last few days. The phrase “why do you struggle so much?” has been stuck in my brain since Sunday (I think).

Whose words? Mine, in despair? God’s, with grace and love and kindness?

Getting out of bed’s a struggle at the moment. Actually, that’s not strictly true. My autopilot is still functioning well enough on weekdays to get me up and into work, but once I’m there it’s a struggle. It’s a struggle to sit still and concentrate and do anything. I appreciate I’ve been data inputting since Tuesday, complicated information from paperwork into a spreadsheet, which has required some searching for information to go into it. That’s enough to make your eyes go funny, and I’ve had a malingering headache since Sunday.

It’s a struggle to believe at the moment. Or rather, it’s a struggle to believe the things a Christian ought to believe. I have no problem believing in God. Standing outside my parents’ house New Years Eve looking at what appeared to be all the stars in the sky, I can’t not believe. But beyond that I am struggling. I want to ask Biscuit to Alpha (and that’s a struggle in itself, with all the hopes and fears caught up in that), but I’m wondering if perhaps I need to do it again. I’m hoping he’ll say yes for many reasons, but one of them being that I could have an excuse to do it again. And someone to go with. Bearing in mind I am an Alpha cynic, this is a big thing for me to be considering. Things must be bad! (But asking Biscuit is nothing to do with my faith, or lack of.)

Anyway, I shall struggle on. The road can’t be straight forever. There must be one of these proverbial corners I can turn ahead of be. Hopefully!

Wound up

I’m getting really wound up about this wedding thing, the one my brother’s having. More specifically I’m getting wound up about how to have the “I don’t want to be a bridesmaid” conversation.

Why don’t I want to?

• I don’t want to have to ponce around in a ridiculous dress with her and her sisters, attending to her every need all day. She irritates the hell out of me a lot of the time, and it’s not good if the bridesmaid punches out the bride!
• I’m 31 – that’s too old to be a bridesmaid. I’ve done it once and said never again.
• I’m pissed because he’s getting married and I’m still single, and there’s no way I’ll be able to hold it together on the day if that’s still the case. Especially as I’m not convinced they should  be getting married.
• Bridesmaids are overrated anyway. It’s just a tradition, a ‘must have’, and I don’t want to be part of a ‘must have’.
• She’ll probably expect me to grow my hair long, stop biting my nails and wear heels. I don’t like being told what to wear.

Am I just being petty? Am I just going to have to grin and bear it? Any advice on how to get out of this – not that they’ve asked yet – as I’m seriously considering the severe facial disfigurement route.

Babies

I have a nasty feeling I’m turning broody. My 2 friends from Uni both have kids now: one of them’s due number 2 in Feb, and the other had her 1st in September, and she was always sure she wouldn’t.

And now I’m wondering if it’s so bad. And that’s scary! I don’t want to turn into one of the biological-clock-obsessed mad women, oozing “MUST. HAVE. BABY!” and scaring off not just men but her sane friends too.

Of course, I’m aware babies become children become teenagers become adults choose your nursing home. A baby is for life.

Hmmm… can anyone help me?!!

New Year dream

I have weddings on my mind, since my brother got engaged. More so than usual.

Last night I dreamt (or is it dreamed?) I married Biscuit. Interesting! A rather casual affair – we just did. I think this comes out of conversations about how over-the-top my brother’s wedding is likely to be, and how I would prefer to have something simple. In the dream we just married then got on with things again, after all, it’s the marriage not the wedding that’s the most important part.

I’m pondering online dating again! I’m not meeting guys. At all! I need to meet them somewhere – God’s not just going to drop one out of the sky for me, now is He?

Anyway, shall let you know what I decide, and any progress. On anything, really.

Happy New Year to you all!