Christmas 08

Well, I h0pe you’ve all had a wonderful Christmas. I’ve been ill with a rotten, stinking cold since Monday (a lovely Christmas present from Biscuit, who was ill last week, but came in to work when he was infectious!)Thankfully didn’t lose my sense of taste, as have had some lovely meals.

My brother proposed to his girlfriend. She said yes. She’s rather nuts – worse than me! Hope he’s not made a massive mistake. I understand I’m to be a bridesmaid – how do I get out of that one?

My Grandma, who has dementia, was very pleased there was to be a wedding ‘at last’! My brother and I are the only ones in our generation – we have no cousins (there are a few a bit further out as my mother’s cousins have kids). I know they’ve all been thinking that, but thanks Grandma! I’ll dust off my shelf and get back up on it with a load of cats, shall I?

Christmas has never been particularly great for me (it was usually when I was dumped!), so at least this one has continued with the tradition.

Ho, ho, ho. Bring on the New Year!

Dream

Monday night I dreamt that this guy, Biscuit, was Superman! Admittedly we’ve recently had a heroes & villains-themed Christmas party.

And Superman was umming and ahhing about being in a relationship with me. And I decided, what the heck, I’d dance anyway. And so I did. I didn’t chase him or call him – after all he’s Superman, he knows! – and got on with the dancing. With my eyes closed – I wasn’t waiting, watching for him.

And as I danced, twisted and turned, after one turn I felt someone there. Someone solid, who grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him. And I opened my eyes. And I danced with Superman. With Biscuit.

The irony is: Biscuit doesn’t dance. Unless he’s really, REALLY drunk!

Still, there’s something in that dream. More than something. I’m aware of the subconscious, of the fact that I need to just carry on dancing, carry on with my life, not waiting.

On a more mundane note, I’ve not been sleeping so well. Think the depression’s hitting a bit. Christmas has never been the most fantastic time for me. I’ve been dumped at least twice at Christmas-time – once in the wee hours of Christmas day itself, though in reality it still felt like Christmas Eve as we’d been out – and family is getting more complicated and stressful. Plus the self-esteem’s taken a bit of a hitting as I’ve realised I seem to have fallen for Biscuit, and all the complications that could cause. If he was even ready for a relationship yet. He’s still getting over the last one.

He’s been off sick 2 days this week. I’ve missed him. It’s felt like someone cut off one of my limbs!

Please pray for my sanity!

If I don’t blog in the next few days, Merry Christmas one and all. Thank you for reading.

Do I have an answer for my hope and faith?

Update on the Biscuit situation:

Biscuit came in today looking pretty miserable and I was convinced he’d failed his grading. Which concerned me, as I thought I was going to have to deal with the whole God doesn’t always answer our prayers how we want, especially when we’ve not done the work, issue this early on.

Anyway, turns out he was given a holding pass. Basically means he should have failed, but he has to be re-graded in the new year.

He wanted to know what I’d done to upset God, as he surely couldn’t have. I told him I’m claiming that one. A pass is a pass is a pass. So, that’s 2 in 1 week. We didn’t do lunch today – he was on a short lunch as he had to leave early, so we’ve not had a more indepth conversation about this. I did tell him, however, that I’d get 5 more ladies on the case for his next grading! I’ll get my prayer group on the case for it.

Still, interesting things could come of this. Question is – do I reallyhave an answer for my faith, as 1 Peter 3:15 says? This thing with Biscuit is challenging me in more ways that one. And at a time where I’ve been wondering myself what difference my faith makes in my life, as I don’t seem to be a better person for it.

I think this is something I need to think, pray and read through. Is this the desert God is walking me through at the moment? Or should that be crawling?

“Even though I crawl through the valley of the shadow of death I will not fear, for You are with me, You are beside me. You comfort me, guide me, sustain me. My hope is in You.”

Prayer points

As an aside – what happened to WordPress whilst I was away?

Anyway, things I’m praying for:

• I had my CBT assessment last week. I’m on the list, which is currently at a 6-month wait! Praying the list will be quicker now there’s more funding and new therapists. In the meantime, seem to be regaining some of my confidence, and went to our work party in fancy dress – Lara Croft. I can’t remember the last time I had so much male attention!
• My brother’s girlfriend rang a couple of weeks ago and gave me a load of grief as I’ve not seen them since Christmas. Apparently she thinks my bro might miss me! Surely he can tell me himself! I don’t like her. I’m not that far away from hate, I think. She’s needy and insecure and treats him like crap a lot of the time. I seem something in her that I don’t like – and also see some of that in me! We often dislike that which we see in others that reminds us how we’re flawed and fallen. I don’t want to spend time around her. I wish he’d dump her and find someone less screwed up, but it’s his life and if he chooses to marry her I will have to support him. Ideally I’d like to get over this and be able to see her as God sees her, see past her behaviours. I wish she would get some help. She should be in therapy, but she won’t. If he loves her, I hope she gets herself sorted. Just don’t expect me to be bridesmaid!
• JP is a guy at work who doesn’t believe in God because it’s an intellectual challenge for him. He just can’t. But has admitted he wishes he could. JP is possibly one of the most irritating and annoyingly arrogant guys I know. And I think he’s rather insecure underneath all the bluster, long words and lengthly opinions. I’m praying that he will experience whatever he needs to experience to believe.
• Biscuit is another guy at work. Him and I have spent many lunch hours discussing the downside of organised religion with JP – or rather, listening to JP. Biscuit classes himself a Christian – he’s Church of England, dontcha know? But hasn’t been to church in years. He’s also in the RAF auxillaries – it’s his duty, for Queen, country and God. We talk about church and stuff, I try to challenge him a little, but not push it. As I also think he’s kinda cute, but he’s still hurt after a breakup and hence one of the most cynical guys I know. Last week he went on an HGV course for the RAF. I prayed he would pass, as he’d not been very confident about whether he would. Anyway, he passed. I didn’t tell him I’d prayed – didn’t want to freak him out. This morning he had a grading for his kick boxing class. As he left the party Friday night I wished him Good Luck and he turned round and said I could pray for him – I think he asked, I can’t remember the exact words. Anyway, I just looked at him and said “I did last week”, and walked off. I’m praying something comes of this, out of our friendship, that he will meet God. I’m also praying I don’t f**k this up badly by throwing myself at him and losing his friendship, as we practically sit next to one another at work.

That’s the main things on my mind at the moment.