I’m ashamed to say, I see an element of myself in this.
I come from a family who likes to share information. Some of us don’t necessarily talk to each other; but we always know what the other is up to. I like to know things. I like to share information. I’ve never really thought of myself as a gossip per se, because most of what I share is about my thoughts and feelings about a situation. But that’s still not necessarily right. But then, if I don’t want to talk about Heather Mills’ divorce settlement, or where Madeline might be, and can’t talk about theology to everyone, then that thing that connects us all is those we know.
But at what point does that become gossip?
I’ve done prayer ministry training. I can honestly say that I don’t use the opportunity to pray with someone as an opportunity to find out stuff about them to share with others (unless it’s illegal!). I’m on the church council, which means I’m party to knowledge not everyone in the church knows about. I’ve have worked in human resources and know about confidentiality. But sometimes you have to talk to someone about what’s in your head, else you go mad.
And it’s how you deal with it that’s the crux of the gossip issue. If the whole point of sharing it to make them look bad, then that’s wrong. If it’s speculation, which can colour your opinion (often wrongly) about a person, then that’s wrong.
We’ve had a lot of horrible things going on at church over the last 2 years. And I’ve come to the stage where I can’t talk to people about it anymore, because (almost) every conversation turns into a mess of speculation, anger and hurt. Which is not good or healthy. Rather than sitting down and praying together for the person doing the damage or hurting us, we vent instead. I’m as guilty as that as the next man or woman.
And I don’t want to be like that anymore. It’s become clear after conversations with my parents where I get this from. It’s also become clear as they’ve been going through a nasty situation at their church, and I’ve found myself telling them they’re not supposed to know all the details of complaints as they’re not on the leadership, that I find my leadership position a good way of knowing everything. So when I hear of difficulties in a church I used to go to, I try to stop myself putting 2 + 2 together and making 5; and try to stop myself asking for the information that only those who are in leadership there know about.
I don’t need to know.
As much as I want to, it’s not my right to know. And what would knowing achieve? A warm feeling of power because I hold this information? That’s wrong, sinful.
I’ve stopped telling everyone everything. I talk to some people about some things, other about other things, and a small handful everything. Well, 99%. I blog because this is a way of sharing some of the stuff that’s trapped in my head. You see, I’m a processor. I have to talk through a problem to deal with it. And sometimes I can’t do any ‘real’ talking. So I diarise the stuff I can’t blog about. But mostly I blog. Though it’s a little more hit and miss.
Maybe it’s becoming less important for me to process? I find I’m having more of those head conversations with God - prayer, though not formalised - about stuff. Turning it upwards when I can’t deal with it.
I need to figure out how to change those friendships that have been based on gossip into something deeper. And more prayerful.
[Image from a post at The Ongoing Adventures of ASBO Jesus.]
It was us and 2 girls from my team. Who, I hadn’t realised, linked arms with each other as they set off. I didn’t realise this until he made a joking grab for my arm, so we didn’t feel left out! I was a little surprised. And too slow off the mark to take advantage of that!
