Just one step at a time

“We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror at its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanence on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom in the sense that dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting as it is now.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Sarah has a lovely post about gifts. She’s made a beautiful video - about 10 mins - which I urge you to watch.

Barbara had (I think she’s just deleted it) a thought-provoking post about Heath Ledger and how we deal with the death of celebrities. Especially when there’s a ’scandal’ surrounding their death (or life). She was responding to a comment where someone made a tasteless joke about his death because of his role in Brokeback Mountain, and what that implied about him. Some people (the person who commented) just need to get a life.

Erin has had a couple of interesting posts about women and how we’re often shoe-horned into boxes and become grey shadows of ourselves in order to become ‘proper Christian women’. The two posts are ‘Harlots, Heretics and Hussies’ and ‘Chili All Over the Kitchen’.

Barry has an interesting post about a similar issue: being a ‘proper’ Christian man. I’ll admit, I didn’t realise Christian guys had similar pressures to deal with as us women. We are the same species after all!

A lot of other people have been writing lots, but these are just a few nuggets that struck me today. Enjoy!

I don’t believe we should compromise in order to keep relationships. OK, let me clarify that: I don’t think we should compromise OURSELVES in order to keep relationships.

Yes, I know. Pot, kettle and black spring to mind. But I’m determined to not be that woman any more.

What I mean is compromises along the lines of:

• Sleep with someone in order to keep them.
• Move in with them because they’re not prepared to marry, in order to keep them.
• Go for a non-Christian (or whatever faith you hold) because despite wanting a strong, faith-led husband, there aren’t any around you’d consider, but would rather be married.
• Give up on their other activities or faith in order to appease a partner who doesn’t want them to be that way, in order to keep them.

I feel sad when I see friends drop, one by one, away from their faith because of a guy. Because it’s usually us women who compromise in order to keep a man. Because we have less time, if we want children; have less choice in churches; and want to please more than perhaps a man does.

I don’t want to compromise any more. I pray I will have the strength never to do so again.

I’m a big dreamer. Both nighttime and daytime. I’ve got used to the fact that I have lucid dreams when I have PMS. But I’m starting to have more lucid dreams whatever point of my cycle I’m in. This week there have been a couple of very lucid ones - you know, the type when you wake up either hoping it has happened. Or terrified it might have.

Wednesday evening I was reading various blogs about breastfeeding (nothing sinister, they just happened to be the themes of the blogs I was reading), so obviously dreamt about that. Only, I’d had a baby girl (called Grace) and I was being shown how to feed her whilst wearing a sari (I guess because the post I’d been reading was from an Indian woman, plus there’s the whole ‘do I go back to India’ thing looming on my mind again). That was the wake up and be thankful there’s no baby dream.

Friday night I dreamt about a guy I like(d) (for those of you who’ve been following me for a while, CB are the initials). Anyway, I’d thought I was over him. Well, OK, I know I’ve not got rid completely of the feelings - I like him, we’re good ‘friends’ (on his terms) and spend a significant amount of time together - but didn’t realise that after talking about him at work on Friday (relating to the whole him giving me guitar lessons issue) he was going to pop up in my dreams. And hold my hand. And kiss me. In my dreams. That was a ‘darn it, that DIDN’T happen?’ dream. And then he rang yesterday! I do hate it when he does that. He used to pop up online when I thought I was over him. And he never rings for ‘nice’ stuff (I told him off about that) - just to ask me to do something for him. That said, I’m not as obsessed about him as I was. And that’s a very good thing.

I have 56 feeds in Bloglines at the moment? Is that a little excessive? Thing is, I stumbled upon the site Global Voices Online (can’t remember how now), and there are many, many, many different voices out there.

Now I remember! It was somehow through the blog Baghdad Burning, which was made into a book and I was reading over Christmas.

Makes my life and my world seem to very small. And uncomplicated. Makes me wonder why I make so much of a fuss about stuff.

“Then David took his shepherd’s staff, selected five smooth stones from the brook, and put them in the pocket of his shepherd’s pack, and with his sling in his hand approached Goliath.”
1 Samuel 17:40 (The Message)

David comes across as fearless. Almost cocky and arrogant. But with an arrogance based on his faith in God.

“Come on,” said Goliath. “I’ll make roadkill of you for the buzzards. I’ll turn you into a tasty morsel for the field mice.”David answered, “You come at me with sword and spear and battle-ax. I come at you in the name of God-of-the-Angel-Armies, the God of Israel’s troops, whom you curse and mock. This very day God is handing you over to me. I’m about to kill you, cut off your head, and serve up your body and the bodies of your Philistine buddies to the crows and coyotes. The whole earth will know that there’s an extraordinary God in Israel. And everyone gathered here will learn that God doesn’t save by means of sword or spear. The battle belongs to God—he’s handing you to us on a platter!” (vs. 44-47)

I’ve been thinking a lot about fear lately. Fear can paralyse us. Literally, but spiritually, emotionally, relationally. It can stop us moving.

• My fear of being alone stops me from doing things that might satisfy me WITHOUT a partner.
• My fear of being not good enough keeps me from striving for more in my job. Or striving for another job.
• My fear stops me from travelling on my own, experiencing new things.
• My fear of rejection stops me telling people how I really feel.

I’m leading a meditate worship session this weekend. Thinking about fear. Thinking about the fact that we have God Almighty behind us.

David leant down and selected 5 smooth stones. And one of those stones killed dead the fear that had been terrorising Israelites. Just one. Because David had faith in God.

Was he scared? We don’t know. But fear is not bad. Fear stops us being reckless. But we have to move despite our fear. Because “God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7) God wants us to step out of the boat, onto the water. But when He calls. Not because we think we can.

I’m looking at the possibility of going to work in India later this year, for a few months. If it’s the right thing. I shall submit my application over the weekend.

Now THAT’S scary!

Good CV. Good application, but they did a fair interview process, and I’m rubbish at interviews. And the other guy is a lot cockier!

So, that’s another door pushed at that didn’t open. More doors to shove: Something else on the boil at the moment. will keep you posted.

“I feel just that terrible pain of loss, of God not wanting me, of God not being God, of God not really existing.”
Mother Teresa in letters published in 2007.

“I am not unhappy about the fact that there might not be a God,” he says. “I don’t feel that my life has a big, gaping hole in it. In some ways I feel more human than I ever have. There is more reality in my existence than when I was full-on as a believer. It is a completely different world to the one I inhabited for 37 years, so there are feelings of unfamiliarity.”
Olympic Gold Medalist and former committed Christian Jonathan Edwards on his loss of faith.

We all struggle with our faith from time to time. I know I do. But is it because we want to feel something, feel sure about something? We’re emotional beings, so feelings are important to us. But with God is more than emotions. He’s bigger than our feelings.

But it’s normal to question. If we stop questioning, we stop seeking and we move further and further away from God.

An interesting article from Boundless - Absent God - looks at this.

I get a fruit and veg box every week now. From Abel & Cole. It’s good value. And it’s got me interested in cooking and baking. It’s introducing me to some interesting new vegetables and fruit, and I’m finding some new recipes.

Which I will share on my new blog Domestic goddess in training

But perception creates reality, and false perceptions can turn into truth by way of self-fulfilling prophecies.

It’s not right, of course, but it is inherently human… We get hurt and the first reaction is to lash out and hurt those who hurt us. When they’re unavailable the urge is sometimes there to hurt others whom we feel are representative of those who did hurt us… hurt them and by proxy you hurt those who hurt you. It’s quite flawed logic, but when one is hurt and/or angry, sound logic seldom gets paid attention to. And thus we end up with the “chain of pain.”

I won’t deny that there are some folks out there who probably do legitimately deserve the shit that gets piled on them. And on the occasions when I come into contact with such people there is that part of me that would love nothing more than to give such people just what they have coming to them… But if I give them that, it just means it’s going to go right back into the chain of pain… and while dishing said shit out might not put me in the chain, I would certainly be contributing to it. And in the end, you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it?

Pieces of Perplexio π

I read this today. I don’t think there’s much more to say to this. We all do it. I know I do. There are times when I get all resentful and want to take it out on someone. Anyone.

Stepping over Our Wounds
Sometimes we have to “step over” our anger, our jealousy, or our feelings of rejection and move on. The temptation is to get stuck in our negative emotions, poking around in them as if we belong there. Then we become the “offended one,” “the forgotten one,” or the “discarded one.” Yes, we can get attached to these negative identities and even take morbid pleasure in them. It might be good to have a look at these dark feelings and explore where they come from, but there comes a moment to step over them, leave them behind and travel on.
Henri Nouwen