I saw this on PostSecret today. Thought it summed things up. No New Year’s Resolutions for me in 2008. Just a fresh start, taking each day at a time.

Your results:
You are Hulk

You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Click here to take the “Which Superhero are you?” quiz…

David was a hero. So was Sampson. Israel was waiting for a hero of that ilk to show up and wrest control from the Romans and back into Jewish control.

Jesus was not that hero.

We’ve grown up on superhero stories. In the nick of time Superman, Spider-man, Batman, Wonder Woman et will show up and save the day. But isn’t it easy to be complacent knowing the hero will always show up just when things get sticky? Because life isn’t like that.

And do we wait for Jesus to be our superhero? Do we still mis-judge Him, waiting for Him to show up in the nick of time and sort out all our problems? I know I do.

But Jesus isn’t the alter-ego, pants over his tights type of hero. He is our hero, but flash, bang, kazoom isn’t His style. He’s already saved the day. He died for us, He made things right in His death. Sure He has ’super powers’: He’s God! It’s the Holy Spirit who enables us to do, to be our own heroes.

We have our hero, but He’s more the enabling, encouraging type. He gives us the power to be heroes, because we couldn’t do it without Him.

Why did I add this video? There’s something in the guy’s position there that is poignant for me at the moment. I’m still struggling with feelings for a male friend who I’ve liked for some time. We’re friends proper now. But in some way that makes it harder. I can’t see him changing his mind, his heart any time soon. I could be wrong, but I need to protect myself.

Thing is, I can’t say I love him. I’m too scared to voice that. Too unsure - maybe I don’t. But it’s more than just a crush: I like him, respect him, admire him. Yet I just can’t say it.

“People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is.”
Dr. Foreman (House)

I’ve been thinking about love a lot recently. What’s new, eh? Guys are always on my mind. But it struck me about a week ago that I’m scared of love. And the commitment it requires - I’m not sure I have it in me. Sure, I get carried away in my mind when I meet a guy I like (even if he doesn’t reciprocate), and even manage to convince myself I’m in ‘love’ with them, but in actuality… If I look at the guys I’ve actually been out with (let’s say more than one date means ‘been out with’), then 95% of them have been either unsuitable or incapable of sustaining a relationship. With me, anyway.

I’m haunted by the word ‘husband’. It defines and rules my life at the moment. And I no longer want it to. I want to be in the position to say I am happy being who I am, and at the moment who I am is a single person. I want to be able to say - and mean it - that I would love to be in a relationship with a guy, but if that’s not to be, then so be it, my life will still be fulfilling.

I don’t want to be that woman who is sure that God said a particular guy was ‘the one’, who ‘knows’ for sure and ignores all other opportunities that come up, even when ‘the one’ is dating another, gets engaged and married. I don’t want to pin my life and hopes on one guy and be wrong.

Yet I no longer want to be as fickle as I am now, jumping for any opportunity, worried that if I don’t take it I’ll miss the boat.

Love - just the word brings up a whole load of contradictory feelings and fears. Fear of spending my life alone - and being lonely with it, because you can be alone but not lonely. Fear of making a mistake and ending up with the wrong guy. Fear of losing my life, my ‘me’ becoming consumed into ‘us’, no longer being ‘me’, but being ’so & so’s wife’ or ’someone’s mum’. Fear or being a bad wife or marrying a bad husband. Fear of being a bad mum or hating my kids. Fear of being not good enough - being the good time girl, but not the one to take home to meet the family. Fear of being the eternal ‘friend’. Fear of how I’ll cope if I’m on my own. And fear of how I’ll cope if I’m not.

But…

Perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18

God did not give us a spirit that makes us afraid but a spirit of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7

The first step… believe these, and believe that

God is love.

A friend of mine’s Facebook status is currently stating that he is ’singing songs that start with love. Today; love is something if you give it away.’

Being bored, I checked out the song - he’s been doing this all week and this is the first one I’ve not known the song - and was struck by the fact that sometimes kids’ songs are more profound, more right than those written for us adults.

“I’m telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you’re not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God’s kingdom.” Matthew 18:2-4

Here are those lyrics…

Love is something if you give it away [clap, clap]
You’ve got to give it away
Give it away
Love is something if you give it away [clap, clap]
You’ll end up having more Love is like a lucky penny

Hold it tight and you won’t have any
But, give it away
And you’ll have plenty
You’ll end up having more

This should be the first step.

I’ve been thinking about my future over the last few weeks, since I did my first main service preach at church. Someone mentioned lay readership again. That’s a big decision, which could commit me to this church, this area for the next 3 and half years whilst training. Is that what I want, either to become a lay reader or to remain in this place?

My job will be changing over the next few months. Again, I may need to make a decision - do I live with the changes, make the best of them, or do I start to look for something else, maybe even out of London? In reality, at some point in the next year or so I will need to move on or up, and there’s not much choice where I am. There are a couple of jobs up for grabs, but I’m not sure if they’re what I want. Or if I’m what they want for those jobs.

The common theme is, though, I need to decide. God gives us choices. We can choose what we do. Sure, we can choose to listen to Him, to be guided by Him, ultimately it’s our choice whether to follow Him or not.

“The reason you don’t have what you want is…you don’t ask God.” James 4:2

And sometimes we have to ask for what we want.

Thanks to ASBO Jesus for the ‘toon.

I’m a woman. I can multi-task. I think I do it quite well, though I’m prone to taking on too much at a time, over-estimating my capacity. Usually in a bid not to let someone down.

Thing is, I often end up letting people - including myself - down. I can’t (or don’t) start what I’ve finished. I make promises I then can’t keep. There’s a significant part of me that tends towards the Type A personality - quantity over quality - rather than Type B (quality over quantity, but I generalise).

And I do so in my own life. I’m always starting books, starting Bible reading plans, starting things that are supposed to improve me. But I rarely finish them. I can’t remember the last time I read a book cover to cover. I’ve just started The Kite Runner, and intend to finish it.

So, I need to take life slowly. I don’t mean slowly as in speed, but slowly as in one step at a time. Methodical. Complete. With quality.

So 2008 is the year to start taking things one step at a time. I’ve already made a few changes in 2007. I’ve pared down Facebook, taking off all the things that distract me, removing people who aren’t friends - less distractions. I’ve got rid of my superfluous blogs: from 2008 there will just be this one and my poetry blog (which is very under-inspired at the moment).

So 2008 beckons. And I walk towards it. Slowly. Taking it one step at a time.