Hello!

Well it’s been a while! A lot has gone on in the last 2 and half months. Most of which I appear to have been ill for!

I was diagnosed with mild asthma just after New Year. I spent New Year’s Eve on a nebuliser sat in a St John Ambulance treatment centre – in my St John Ambulance uniform. Officially I was on duty. I got stood down about 2 hours in, but couldn’t get home for another 7! It was a long, cold night waiting around.

I now have a nasty dose of sinusitis and as such can’t sleep Still, I am eventually getting an ENT referral. Once I get through the Choose & Book system the NHS now have for specialist referrals. My Mum had a bit of a nightmare with hers: hope mine is better.

The boyfriend is still around! It’s all going very well. We have now met each other’s parents. And we’ve started talking about the future. A future. Together. That makes me happy and smile, even though I can barely breathe at this moment in time!

Can I refer you back to this post:

First Aid ID

I got my ID badge for St John Ambulance today.

I go on my first official duty on Thursday – the Blur concert in Hyde Park.

I’m borrowing a uniform: hopefully I won’t have to do CPR as the shirt is a size too small. (Just think safety pins!)

It’s currently scorchio in London at the moment, so I’m envisaging: blisters, heat exhaustion, drunken faints and the like.

What I was not envisaging that night was meeting my boyfriend. He was my treatment centre manager for my first duty. I practically insulted him the first time we met! But I thought he was nice: kind and helpful when I was on my first duty.

The next duty I met him on I thought “oh!”

The next I thought “ooooooooooooooooooooooh!” And wondered if he was kinda flirting with me.

But ignored it. After all, in SJA terms he is my boss’s boss! Didn’t think he’d be interested in a lowly first aider like me.

Also, I didn’t talk about it for a while. I didn’t want to do my usual thing for getting all het up about someone and it going flat. Like the 3 earlier in the summer.

And yet… suddenly he started to appear on more duties I was on. He’d suddenly appear at my side and chat. Awkwardly!

And then he and my unit leader asked me to help on the radios at a big fireworks duty. Which he was in charge of. So I took cake!

And I caught him also looking at me. So 2 days later I ummed and ahhed and got all embarrassed by myself about getting in touch. In the end I felt the fear and did it anyway. And he replied.

And we emailed for a while. Then I invited him to a concert a few weeks ahead (in the end I was too ill for us to go). And that night, at a football duty, I wrote my number on his hand as I left. He texted later. And then the next day. And the next day he asked me out for lunch on the Saturday. So we went. And I stood up the guy I was supposed to be on a first date with that night to have the longest first date ever with the guy who is now my boyfriend (on a positive note, the guy I was supposed to be seeing that night is now going out with my boyfriend’s ex, who went to the thing instead of  me! Still with me?). And boyfriend bailed out of an SJA party and we went to the cinema. He left at midnight. We had met at midday.

And so here we are. Very happy. Very much in love. Very calm and chilled and relaxed about it. Well, as much as I ever am about anything! I have promised to stop talking weddings until he proposes!

He also comes to church with me. His idea! He’s a lapsed Catholic who doesn’t feel comfortable as a Catholic and is very happy in my Anglican church!

And I’m still coughing and full of cold

I have a boyfriend

That is all.

“Guys are like buses”

You wait forever for one, then 3 come along at once!

Well, not exactly. The SJA guy, went missing on me for a few weeks. Well that solved the dilemma of what to do about him, as it didn’t feel quite right. I didn’t have to do or say anything – he just didn’t get in contact for 2 weeks!

I then met a guy at Greenbelt. I went speed-dating, but met him in the queue before and then in the queue in the beer tent after (it was a traumatic experience, the speed-dating!) We hung out for most of the weekend and have been in touch since. It’s not easy to keep in touch seeing as he runs a pub out of London and the only time he seems to have days off seem to be the evening I’m busy and can’t talk! Trust me to find the complicated one!

Then Friday night I went for someone’s leaving drinks. I went out for one, soft drink. Got home a little before 4am, absolutely drunk as a skunk! But I had spent most of the evening kissing the guy who was leaving!

And this is an interesting one. We’d become ‘talking buddies’ (you know, the people you more than just nod ‘Hi’ at in the office, the ones you can have a chat with) end of last year, had kinda flirted at the Christmas party, and I’d thought he was VERY hot, but not really thought much more about it, after all, he seemed out of my league!

Apparently, though, for a couple of months after the Christmas party – we were dancing at one point and it got a bit ‘dirty dancing’ (he was rather drunk, I was sober) – there was a rumour about us throughout his department! Well there you go! I didn’t know that at all.

Anyway, Friday I sensed something. He seemed to be paying me a lot of attention and didn’t want me to go home when he and the 3 guys moved onto another bar. And I thought – “sod it, he’s leaving, at some point this evening I’m going to kiss him”. So I did! I kinda just grabbed him at one point and kissed him. Well, I think that’s what I did. But I’m not sure he needed much grabbing, to be honest!

And well, it kinda just went from there. And I didn’t get home ’til nearly 4 am! I very much enjoyed myself – he was a VERY  good kisser (unlike my SJA guy, who had the principle, but was just to wooden about it). He has 2 more days at work next week before he leaves.

So there we go. Nothing for a looooooooooooooooooong time, and in the last 2 months there have been 3.

Who knows what’s going to happen next! Watch this space.

OCD, or self-diagnosing

At the beginning of the week I went on a Mental Health First Aid course. Thought it would be useful for my volunteer work – Street Pastors and St John Ambulance – plus might also give me some tools myself for dealing with depression, should it strike again in the way it did 2 years ago.

(As an aside, I’ve finished my CBT for looking at how to deal with my bottomed-out self-esteem, and things are looking up. Though I’m slightly nervous about doing it on my own, without a therapist to talk it through every week. But I’m confident I can manage, and am not putting too high expectations on myself – which was one of the problems!)

One of the things I discovered during the course – well, looking through the course booklet, was a condition on the OCD spectrum called CSP – compulsive skin picking. That and TTM, trichotillomania (or hair pulling) seem to be what I’ve been doing since I was a kid – more intensely since I was 18/19.

CSP – it has a name! That means other people do it! That means I’m not the only one in the world. That means although it’s a problem, people have recognised it and thought up ways to help people stop it. That means I’m not a lost cause! That means I can stop – after all, others can and have. Woo hoo!

It’s not just a form of self-harm, which I thought it was, though I didn’t think it was quite that, as there was something rather addictive – compulsive – about it.

I’m wondering if I suffer from Body Dismorphic Disorder in some way. According to OCD UK:

BDD obsessions may manifest themselves as excessive, disproportionate concerns about a minor flaw, or as recurrent, anxiety-provoking thoughts about an entirely imagined defect. The obsessions are most frequently focused on the head and face, but may involve any body part. When others tell them that they look fine or that the flaw they perceive is minimal, people with BDD find it hard to believe this reassurance.

Some of the ways it can manifest (relevant to my behaviour):

Checking the appearance of the specific body part in mirrors.
Excessive grooming, by combing, shaving, removing or cutting hair, applying makeup.
Picking their skin to make it smooth.
Picking the skin around the perceived defect.
Comparing the appearance of the perceived defect with that of others.

It’s amazing how giving something a name makes it a lot less scary.

I’ve always picked scabs and bit my nails since I was a kid. Not excessively, but was always told off about it, like it was a major deal. I remember when I first started growing the body hair we all grow, you know, the normal stuff. It was dark, dark, dark! And I’ve never really been able to control it: even when I shave I miss some (and take a good proportion of my skin off at the same time).

The hair pulling – with tweezers from my legs – started at uni. I remember the moment with clarity. I was trying to wax my legs and my roommate came in and couldn’t cope with me doing it when she was there, so I ended up with half-waxed legs, which I then had to shave. Of course I missed loads! And so out came the tweezers. Because hairy legs is SO unfeminine. (I think I mentioned one of my self-esteem issues is a feeling of not being feminine enough.)

I’ve seen and heard the lie that a ‘proper’ woman has a clear complexion and is totally hair-free, apart from long, luscious hair on her head, and realised I don’t live up to that.

And so it began in earnest. And 14 years later I’m still doing it. I can’t cope if there’s a dark hair growing. It MUST come out. It’s even worse if it’s growing under the skin – that’s where the tweezers get dug into my skin to get it out. Then it forms a scab, which is ripe for picking. And if there’s a hair growing out of the centre of that scab… well, that has to come out.

The thing is, I KNOW that picking the scabs, or pulling the hairs make my skin worse. They bleed and don’t heal quickly. They get infected and scar. My legs are a mass of scabs and scars – so the very thing that is supposed to remove the ‘defects’ I dislike creates more, which look a lot worse.

But there is hope!

There’s a treatment called habit reversal therapy – replacing the bad habits with good. For example – instead of picking I could rub moisturisers into my legs instead. I’m waiting for a book about overcoming OCD to arrive, so hopefully with the experience of having had therapy, and the buffer of the anti-depressants to keep me from going under again – I can work on reversing this. If I can’t do it by March, when I’m looking at starting to come off the pills (the doc suggested I keep taking them during winter, as winter can cause its own depression), then I’ll go to the doc and ask for some help.

I appear to have kissed a guy!

Goodness!

So after SJA meeting last night I end up going for a drink (well 2) with one of the guys in my unit. We’ve been flirting on and off for a few weeks now, and he asked me out for a drink.

And, well, as the title says: I kissed him!

Now I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. Because quite honestly I can’t say I see anything more than a quick fling with him. And I did tell him something along those lines: can’t promise anything, don’t want to hurt him/use him (well, do want to use him, but don’t, if you know what I mean).

I do like him, though he’s one of the most frustratingly irritating guys I know! Takes very little seriously and is slightly awkward in his own skin. I’ve got a feeling I’m going to try and do a Pygmalion on him!

“Dear God”

Trust

“I’m supposed to trust You, but I’m having a hard time doing so. Especially when it comes to the area of relationships.

I know I’m supposed to only rely on You, but to be brutally honest (and in doing so fear I’m risking your disapproval): You’re not here to give me a hug, to cook me dinner, to massage my feet after a long day. At this time I need something physical, tangible: someone I can touch and feel and see. I’m a tactile person.

And I have a hard time trusting You’ll bring someone into my life because I’m not sure it’s part of Your plan for me. And I’d hate for it not to be part of Your plan for me. Perhaps I’d be better off doing it alone?

Yet personal history shows I’m having no luck in that area. And I’m tired of taking chances, making moves and having them rejected. In the last week alone I’ve given out my phone number to a guy friend I like – and he’s not called, and have added one I’ve recently met as a Facebook friend – and had that rejected. There’s only so much a girl can take!

And I know I’m supposed to look to You to fulfil my needs of love, but I’m not sure I can. And I’m not sure I can ever see a time when I can. And that’s painfully, painfully difficult. Something I want so badly is just out of reach for me. It’s like the diamonds are locked away behind the glass – but I can’t see there’s glass there and keep hurting myself trying to get through it.

Lord, Father, Abba… I can’t see a way through this.”

Fulfilment

I’ve been thinking about fulfilment recently. Below is a short stream of conciousness on it.

I’ve been enjoying volunteering as a first aider with St John Ambulance. I feel fulfilled through helping people: I feel I’ve maybe found a place to be, found my gifting.

But… is it wrong to get my purpose from that?

Only if it becomes the sole centre of my purpose.

How do I stop it becoming the sole centre of my purpose, my fulfilment?

By giving the glory to God. By being thankful for the gifting He has given me. By not taking for granted these new skills I have learned and am using. By remaining humble, not becoming prideful.

I’m off out again tomorrow. I have the week off work (what bliss it was to wake up on a Monday morning and not have to get up!) and have chosen to spend one of those days doing first aid. Or at least sitting around waiting for people to injure themselves!

Oh, and there’s a guy… I know, there’s always a guy. But I’m saying no more in case I jinx it. Not that I believe in that,  it’s more I don’t want to obsess TOO much, and if I put it down in black and white it becomes ‘out there’. This one I’m keeping to myself.

For now…

First Aid ID

I got my ID badge for St John Ambulance today.

I go on my first official duty on Thursday – the Blur concert in Hyde Park.

I’m borrowing a uniform: hopefully I won’t have to do CPR as the shirt is a size too small. (Just think safety pins!)

It’s currently scorchio in London at the moment, so I’m envisaging: blisters, heat exhaustion, drunken faints and the like.

CBT

I had my first CBT session yesterday. It was with a new therapist – psychologist – who will be doing my therapy. So the main bulk of the session was going through everything.

I have 5 more sessions with her, then we’ll review how I’m getting on.

I’m not entirely convinced this will help or if I’ll ever be able to change my thought patterns, but people tell me it is possible, so I shall have to think positive.

On the plus side, I’ve had a crappy 2 days what with one thing or another and haven’t crumpled! Although I felt a bit weepy yesterday with the stressful day at work. So that’s good.

Also… I’ve realised that it’s not a case that noone ever fancies me, it’s more a case of the guys I like don’t seem to fancy  me, or the unsuitable ones do. So potentially one day I might meet a suitable guy who I fancy: and who fancies me back!

That would be nice!

Anyone got a plaster?

I went on my first duty with St John Ambulance yesterday. It was a family fun day in the local park. There were 4 of us – I was asked last-minute as they weren’t sure if one of the adults would turn up (we had 1 cadet).

Between the 4 of us we managed to give out 1 plaster.

I felt very proud!

I’m hoping future duties will be more exciting!